Well, then end of "us" finally came...kind of.

We have finally decided to divorce. Well, I guess I need to rephrase. HE decided we needed to divorce, while I am still hanging on because I love him, and wanting to work things out...I do agree our relationship/marriage needed a drastic change, but in all honesty, I would have preferred to REALLY try counseling. We have gone ONCE before in 6 years, and neither one of us went into the session with the right attitude. But I guess there isn't much use even talking about it anymore, since he has apparently made up his mind. I miss him daily, but at the same time, things have been so much less chaotic, and I feel better, even though I miss him, and would love to try to work it out. Things had gotten really bad, worse than I even realized, and BOTH of us were miserable. I would never want to go back to that though. He has this plan to be "friends" and completely start over. And even though it hurts like hell, because I do love him, I guess at this point I am willing to try anything. But the first step is going to take me getting over and letting go of the hurt I feel over HOW he left, which is coming up in a different blog. For now, I am emotionally exahusted and gonna go curl up, have a shower and a mixed drink, and try to put the pieces of my heart back together. Night all.

Too little, too late.

I love him with everything in me. I really do. I care about him so much. I hurt when he hurts. I want to fix his problems, and if someone hurts his feelings, I am fighting mad. I want and like to nurture him, and take care of his like a good wife should. But at the same time, I sometimes feel like my heart just isn't in it anymore. There are times when I just want to throw my hands up, and walk away, and the only thing that stops me is knowing that when he DOES give Nathan attention, he is good with him, and makes Nathan so happy, even if he doesn't do the actual work, taking care of him as much as I would like. And also, his mental problems and threats of suicide when I have tried to leave in the past haunt me daily. I know that I would NEVER forgive myself if he actually did "make me a widow" as he has threatened so many times before. And it's kinda of like the boy who cried wolf, I don't think that I even believe him anymore, or he has said it so many times that I am desensitized to it, and he knows it. And when I finally do get the thought through my head that I can't help what HE DOES TO HIMSELF, he will cut himself, or be so suicidal that he gets put into the hospital, and then I do feel like the biggest piece of shit wife in the world. And I think he knows and realizes that, and uses it as a way to control me. Its like he senses when I am to that point where what he did was so bad, so cruel, and unforgivable that I just don't give a fuck anymore, and then when he sees I am at that point, he will cut himself or whatever and he KNOWS that that will bring me back to him, because of the guilt and blame I place on myself. I don't even know that we are in love anymore. I don't even think he is in love with me, anymore than I am in love with him. But we have been together so long, and WANT to make it work, that we keep pushing ourselves together, even when it's obvious that it is just not healthy for us to be together anymore. :(
But I can see the progress slowly being made on my part. He has succeeded in hurting me so much, that not even his usual tactics of "baby, I'm sorry" and trying to seduce me, and kiss me, and make things better works anymore. All I can think of is every nasty word he has called me(and there are so many to choose from) or all the times he has threatened me, threatened to make my life a living hell, or slash my tires, and not pay child support, or take Nathan from me, and all the other SHIT he has done to me in the past 6 years. It's just not something that a relationship could ever be the same after. You can say you are sorry all you want, but sometimes, sorry just isn't enough to fix all the damage you caused from your downright cruel words and actions.