I want to start out by saying this post is very controversial, and not entirely politically correct. The world now tip toes around other people to the point of not sharing their true feelings for fear of offending someone.
If you that type of person, you might want to stop reading now, because I'm about to offend you. A lot, because the politically correct response when your spouse comes out to you as transgender is supposed to be somewhere between, "I've known all along, and of course I still love you honey" apparently.
Is that the reality for so many couples when a spouse comes out as transgender? No.
In circles both in and out of support groups, and the hundreds of blog posts I found, there were not any that said anything other than extremely positive things, and leaving was never even mentioned as an option. You were just supposed to accept that this is your life, and your spouse is now the opposite gender, so deal with and shut up about it because THEY are going through so much. The struggles of the spouse are rarely, if ever, mentioned and if they are, it's more along the lines of stating that the spouse had a hard time but learned to cope with it.
I am not that spouse. It was more than I could handle in so many more ways than one. For the most part in the transgender support groups and communities I had built online, that made me hated. I think that was the fear that one day they too might receive the news my husband did, which was that I couldn't handle him being a woman.The man that I married is gone. It feels like he died. I am still grieving for the man that I married, because despite what people say, that man isn't there anymore.
Transgender people seem to think that only the outer body changes, and that if you love them, that shouldn't matter.
But the fact of the matter is, it's not just the body that changes. Yes, that is part of it. I mean, to be quite frank, I love having sex with a man. The thought of having to have sex with someone with a vagina instead of a penis when I am a straight woman is unappealing at the very least.
But it's about so much more than just the sex aspect of this.
It's about the man that I married, the one who I loved for so many different reasons, being completely opposite personality wise in his new life as a female.
The community of transgender people will tell you that only the body changes, but as someone who has been there, that's an absolute lie.
When you become female, start hormones, of course your personality will change also!
So quite literally, there is nothing of the man I married left. Not on the inside, and certainly not on the outside.
I spent a long time trying to cope with this, and making myself unhappy in the process so that I could better support him. The people we talked to always focused on his struggles in transitioning and if you dare to speak about how badly you are struggling, grieving or anything else you are hushed incredibly fast and told you are selfish for feeling that way, and that if you REALLY loved your spouse you would love what's on the inside and not the outside.
I am here to tell you that you cannot become the opposite gender, and not change your personality.
I don't know where things stand. I love my husband. I always will.
I try to love the new woman he is becoming also, but her and I don't get along so well. In my opinion, she is an attention seeking, whiny, and just awful woman. But I loved my husband.
I am learning to accept that that man is gone. Forever.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Updates....it hasn't changed much
In the Two years since I've last written, and sadly not much has changed. It got better for a short period of time, but then I became pregnant with my daughter and how things are no better than they were before. They had gotten so good and so many promises were made after he came back that I really thought it all would stay good and he had really changed. But tonight alone he has been so disrespectful, cussed me out, called me names and thrown a swing and a dip can after telling me "fuck you". His selfishness also hasn't changed and that is the hardest to swallow. Our relationship is still all about him when it comes down to it. I am contemplating divorce and I hate that because we have Two children together who need us. All of this happened because I went in for a consult about getting a hysterectomy instead of tubal due to my precancerous cells and he asked if we couldn't wait on the surgery after being told that I won't be able to get around and help with the kids for two weeks following the surgery. It makes me feel as is he would rather see me develop cancer than to suck it up and let me have the surgery I need. I feel so unloved and that he doesn't care at all. He was willing to be out of commission when it was for him(for back pain, a spinal block) but not for me to have the surgery *I* need?!?! So I called him selfish and told him it made me feel like he didn't care. Well that set him off resulting in yelling and him throwing his temper tantrum because I "made him look like n uncaring POS) well sometimes the truth hurts!!! He walked out in the drs office and left me alone for my pap smear which was very painful and thoroughly embarrassed me by walking out. I just don't know and can't imagine leaving him no matter how mad I was while he went though a painful procedure and I wish that for once, he would do the same for me. But when he's angry he doesn't care about anyone or anything except himself and throwing a tantrum to let you know how angry he is. I just so wish he wasn't like this and I don't know what to so.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Bucket List-top 30 before I'm 30.
So, it seems as if everyone these days is making a bucket list. Some have hundreds, or thousands of items on the list though. For me, mine is pretty simple I think, so I am starting with my 30 things before I turn 30.
1) Leave a random waitress having a bad day an amazing tip-over 50.00
2.) Go on a cruise(would be first ever)
3.) Buy our first house
4.) Teach Nathan to ride a bike
5.) Graduate Paramedic school.
6.) Get a job as a Paramedic working for RPS.
7.) Go back to school and complete my nursing degree.
8.) Nathan goes to Kindergarten.
9.) Go one day without getting frustrated.
10.) Work on attitude and learn to have a more positive attitude.
11.) Everyone in the family goes a whole year without surgery or hospitalization.
12.) Hear Nathan tell me he loves me.
13.) Nathan be able to say more than 10 words.
14.) Have a day where it is nothing but a Nathan and Mommy day, do NOTHING but play all day long. No studying, no phone calls, no interruptions.
15.) Take Nathan on a family vacation.
16.) Go on a romantic, couples only vacation.
17.) Loose 100 pounds.
18.) Have financial stability and go a year without ever being late on a bill.
19.) Pay off Nathan's medical bills that are on my credit.
20.) Bring credit score up from a 618 to over 725.
21.) Make someone's day.
22.) Give to a worthy charity.
23.) Make 20 blankets, and donate them to the NICU Nathan stayed in for the babies who are in state custody.
24.) Stop smoking.
25.) Buy a new car with nothing buy my credit.
26.) Randomly buy a toy for a child in a store who is having a hard time, fussy, etc. Give it to the child, smile, and walk away.
27.) Finish my scrapbook.
28.) Finish Nathan's baby book.
29.) Get professional family photo's taken.
30.) Turn 30. :P (Guess that one's beyond my control. haha)
1) Leave a random waitress having a bad day an amazing tip-over 50.00
2.) Go on a cruise(would be first ever)
3.) Buy our first house
4.) Teach Nathan to ride a bike
5.) Graduate Paramedic school.
6.) Get a job as a Paramedic working for RPS.
7.) Go back to school and complete my nursing degree.
8.) Nathan goes to Kindergarten.
9.) Go one day without getting frustrated.
10.) Work on attitude and learn to have a more positive attitude.
11.) Everyone in the family goes a whole year without surgery or hospitalization.
12.) Hear Nathan tell me he loves me.
13.) Nathan be able to say more than 10 words.
14.) Have a day where it is nothing but a Nathan and Mommy day, do NOTHING but play all day long. No studying, no phone calls, no interruptions.
15.) Take Nathan on a family vacation.
16.) Go on a romantic, couples only vacation.
17.) Loose 100 pounds.
18.) Have financial stability and go a year without ever being late on a bill.
19.) Pay off Nathan's medical bills that are on my credit.
20.) Bring credit score up from a 618 to over 725.
21.) Make someone's day.
22.) Give to a worthy charity.
23.) Make 20 blankets, and donate them to the NICU Nathan stayed in for the babies who are in state custody.
24.) Stop smoking.
25.) Buy a new car with nothing buy my credit.
26.) Randomly buy a toy for a child in a store who is having a hard time, fussy, etc. Give it to the child, smile, and walk away.
27.) Finish my scrapbook.
28.) Finish Nathan's baby book.
29.) Get professional family photo's taken.
30.) Turn 30. :P (Guess that one's beyond my control. haha)
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Losing our babygirl.
The other day, a very dear friend of mine found out that she had lost her child. She was around 7 weeks along, but it was so hard on her, and in talking to her, I discovered that I had never fully recovered from losing our babygirl. I have NEVER before wrote this story, or even told details of all that happened that day, and I am hoping by doing this, it will help heal my soul.
One day, I was at my apartment, and started having the worst period cramps I had ever felt in my life. I got into the bathtub to try to ease my pain, but it got a million times worse. At that point, I couldn't even move. The pain was crippling. I couldn't even get out of the bathtub to make it to my cell phone to call 911. The pain finally subsided enough that I stood up to try to get out of the bathtub when suddenly I was hit with the worst "cramp" yet, and suddenly began gushing blood. I could only half sit and half stand and cry and scream. It was to date, the worst pain I have ever felt. Then, i feel like my insides are being ripped out, and a huge mass comes out of me. I felt it drop, and the pain subsided some. I dug around in the blood filled bathtub, still gushing blood at an alarming rate. I pulled out a developed sak of amniotic fluid with the bag intact holding a precious little girl about the size of my hand. I had no idea I was pregnant. I sat in the bathroom and sobbed my heart out. I eventually made it to the kitchen with my phone, and called Tim. I told him I needed to cancel our plans for the day because I was taking myself to the hospital, and that I had had a miscarriage. He only lived about 5 minutes away, and made it there in less than 2 minutes. When he walked in, I had a towel between my legs, standing in the kitchen floor sobbing, and screamed that I couldn't stop bleeding long enough to get pants on to go to the hospital. I believe I was literally in shock, due to blood loss.I believe at that point, he was a little in shock himself because my apartment looked like the scene of a massacre. He immediatly said "I'm calling an ambulance. He called 911, and they advised him to make me lie down. I did, but was still having contractions where I would hemmorage with every one. The fire dept arrived before the ambulance, and because I was hemhorraging, they went ahead and started an IV. The ambulance arrived, threw a sheet over me, and took off for the hospital. My memory's on that are fuzzy at best. I don't know if I was going in and out of consciousness, or what, but I only remember bits and pieces after that. I remember my head was spinning, and things would just go dim. By the time we got to the hospital, my bleeding had slowed down alot, but was still pretty bad. The entire hospital bed was SOAKED in blood, as well as the pads beneath me, etc. I was still gushing a substantial amount. Eventually, after Blaine pulled my sheet back and saw the whole bed soaked, he demanded a doctor(we had been there almost 2 hours, without having even seen a nurse, while I bled out) It turns out, they were not told why I was there, and thought I was there for "stomach pain" Upon walking in and hearing what had happened, the doctor stood dumbfounded. He pulled the sheet over me back to do a V.E, and saw how bad I was hemhorraging. He immediatly ran out of the room, ordered pain medicine, and more IV fluids, and a medicine to help stop my bleeding. He also asked about the baby. The entire time, the paramedics had left her in a specimen bag beside my bed. I was sobbing so hard at this point that I couldn't talk, and was so dizzy the room was spinning, so Blaine filled him in. He apologized profusely. After they finally got my bleeding under control, I was allowed to leave, and we set up an appointment for the next day for an OB/GYN for a d and c. She did the exam, and determined since everything came out intact, that it wasn't nessicary, and prescribed iron since I was anemic after loosing so much blood. I also found out, that not only was I pregnant, and not known it, I had had a second trimester loss at 16 weeks. That is why my little girl was so big, and perfectly formed. I couldn't even stand going back to my apartment, and couldn't walk without intense pain and dizziness, so I stayed with Blaine. He made me fall in love with him all over again the next few weeks. He wouldn't even let me shower without him being in there because i was so dizzy, and a fall risk. He took amazing care of me, and got me back to health. I will never forget that, and even now, remembering how caring he was, brings tears to my eyes. After several weeks, when I was finally able to move around without dizziness, and getting my strength back, I decided I had to go clean my apartment. I had no idea what kind of condition it was left in, but knew it was going to be pretty bad. It was bad enough that my mattress was deemed a "biohazard" and was taken off. The pools of blood were everywhere. I thank God Blaine went with me, because i broke down seeing the blood everywhere. He helped me clean it up, and then took me back to his apartment, and let me lie in bed all day,and held me as I sobbed. The next morning, I decided I couldn't live in my apartment anymore, and would have to move. Even cleaned up, the stains were a constant reminder and it was still to fresh in my mind. I told Blaine this, and he told me to just stay there, and his roomate moved into my apartment, and we sort of switched apartments. That night, he said he wanted to get back together, and I agreed. We continued to grow closer and closer.
One day, I was at my apartment, and started having the worst period cramps I had ever felt in my life. I got into the bathtub to try to ease my pain, but it got a million times worse. At that point, I couldn't even move. The pain was crippling. I couldn't even get out of the bathtub to make it to my cell phone to call 911. The pain finally subsided enough that I stood up to try to get out of the bathtub when suddenly I was hit with the worst "cramp" yet, and suddenly began gushing blood. I could only half sit and half stand and cry and scream. It was to date, the worst pain I have ever felt. Then, i feel like my insides are being ripped out, and a huge mass comes out of me. I felt it drop, and the pain subsided some. I dug around in the blood filled bathtub, still gushing blood at an alarming rate. I pulled out a developed sak of amniotic fluid with the bag intact holding a precious little girl about the size of my hand. I had no idea I was pregnant. I sat in the bathroom and sobbed my heart out. I eventually made it to the kitchen with my phone, and called Tim. I told him I needed to cancel our plans for the day because I was taking myself to the hospital, and that I had had a miscarriage. He only lived about 5 minutes away, and made it there in less than 2 minutes. When he walked in, I had a towel between my legs, standing in the kitchen floor sobbing, and screamed that I couldn't stop bleeding long enough to get pants on to go to the hospital. I believe I was literally in shock, due to blood loss.I believe at that point, he was a little in shock himself because my apartment looked like the scene of a massacre. He immediatly said "I'm calling an ambulance. He called 911, and they advised him to make me lie down. I did, but was still having contractions where I would hemmorage with every one. The fire dept arrived before the ambulance, and because I was hemhorraging, they went ahead and started an IV. The ambulance arrived, threw a sheet over me, and took off for the hospital. My memory's on that are fuzzy at best. I don't know if I was going in and out of consciousness, or what, but I only remember bits and pieces after that. I remember my head was spinning, and things would just go dim. By the time we got to the hospital, my bleeding had slowed down alot, but was still pretty bad. The entire hospital bed was SOAKED in blood, as well as the pads beneath me, etc. I was still gushing a substantial amount. Eventually, after Blaine pulled my sheet back and saw the whole bed soaked, he demanded a doctor(we had been there almost 2 hours, without having even seen a nurse, while I bled out) It turns out, they were not told why I was there, and thought I was there for "stomach pain" Upon walking in and hearing what had happened, the doctor stood dumbfounded. He pulled the sheet over me back to do a V.E, and saw how bad I was hemhorraging. He immediatly ran out of the room, ordered pain medicine, and more IV fluids, and a medicine to help stop my bleeding. He also asked about the baby. The entire time, the paramedics had left her in a specimen bag beside my bed. I was sobbing so hard at this point that I couldn't talk, and was so dizzy the room was spinning, so Blaine filled him in. He apologized profusely. After they finally got my bleeding under control, I was allowed to leave, and we set up an appointment for the next day for an OB/GYN for a d and c. She did the exam, and determined since everything came out intact, that it wasn't nessicary, and prescribed iron since I was anemic after loosing so much blood. I also found out, that not only was I pregnant, and not known it, I had had a second trimester loss at 16 weeks. That is why my little girl was so big, and perfectly formed. I couldn't even stand going back to my apartment, and couldn't walk without intense pain and dizziness, so I stayed with Blaine. He made me fall in love with him all over again the next few weeks. He wouldn't even let me shower without him being in there because i was so dizzy, and a fall risk. He took amazing care of me, and got me back to health. I will never forget that, and even now, remembering how caring he was, brings tears to my eyes. After several weeks, when I was finally able to move around without dizziness, and getting my strength back, I decided I had to go clean my apartment. I had no idea what kind of condition it was left in, but knew it was going to be pretty bad. It was bad enough that my mattress was deemed a "biohazard" and was taken off. The pools of blood were everywhere. I thank God Blaine went with me, because i broke down seeing the blood everywhere. He helped me clean it up, and then took me back to his apartment, and let me lie in bed all day,and held me as I sobbed. The next morning, I decided I couldn't live in my apartment anymore, and would have to move. Even cleaned up, the stains were a constant reminder and it was still to fresh in my mind. I told Blaine this, and he told me to just stay there, and his roomate moved into my apartment, and we sort of switched apartments. That night, he said he wanted to get back together, and I agreed. We continued to grow closer and closer.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Holding it all in.
My problem is that I wait until everything gets unbearable until I finally tell someone what has really been bothering me at the worst possible time. And to them, it comes out of nowhere, even though to me, it has been on my mind for weeks or months.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Freedom.
Freedom? It couldn't have happened on a better day. Today, on July 4th, 2012, INDEPENDENCE Day, I am FREE.
Free from the fighting. Free from the heartbreak. Free from the manipulation and lies. Free from being cheated on. Free from always feeling unworthy. Free from being cursed at, yelled at, and disrespected. Free from it all.
Does it hurt? Of course. Because somewhere in me, I will always love the person I met 7 years ago. And on very rare occasions, I can see a glimpse of that person, and it makes me so sad to realize that person that I met, fell head over heels in love with, and had a child with, is no longer there anymore. At least not enough that I could ever make it work. So what do I feel after our conversation tonight? Free. That's what I feel.
As I said, I will always love him. There will never be a day that goes by that I don't. But I can't do it anymore. This man has broken me in ways that I may never be able to recover from and have a happy, healthy, and normal relationship with anyone else again, but that doesn't mean that I have to keep being in this unhealthy one, either. I am o.k. with being alone. I have my son, who is my world. And that's enough for me for now.
Here's the conversation.
[7/3/2012 11:04:15 PM]Keely Brand: I don't care how angry you are, it's never excuseable to break your son's heart, or to say you want nothing to do with him. I forgave you for it once, but told you I wouldn't be able to forgive that again, and I meant it. You are out of his life Blaine. That is what you wanted, and you got it. Other than seeing you in court one last time, I hope to never see you again. Congratulations. You finally did the one thing to Nathan you swore you would never ever do, because you knew how much it had hurt you. Goodbye.
[7/3/2012 11:05:26 PM] Tim Brand: Court? What court? Court is for people disagreeing.
[7/3/2012 11:05:52 PM] Keely Brand: So you want to give up all right's to Nathan and will not fight me on anything?
[7/3/2012 11:06:27 PM] Tim Brand: I'll get Nathan every other weekend and I don't know of anything to fight you over keely
[7/3/2012 11:06:54 PM] Keely Brand: No, you won't get Nathan every other weekend. You just said you wanted nothing to do with him. You got it. Goodbye.
[7/3/2012 11:07:11 PM] Tim Brand: Ok. Fine. You keep him. Anything else?
[7/3/2012 11:08:24 PM] Tim Brand: well? anything you want to agree on? Gotta get the papers ready tomorrow
[7/3/2012 11:08:58 PM] Keely Brand: Nope. Im done Blaine. You got what you wanted. Free of any and all responsibility to the family you never loved. K?
[7/3/2012 11:09:25 PM] Tim Brand: Never loved? I hope you remember that when I'm dead. Bye bye
[7/3/2012 11:17:27 PM] Keely Brand: If you kill yourself, that is on you Blaine. I can no longer be responsible or feel guilty for what YOU do.
[7/3/2012 11:17:38 PM] Tim Brand: whatever. bye
Free from the fighting. Free from the heartbreak. Free from the manipulation and lies. Free from being cheated on. Free from always feeling unworthy. Free from being cursed at, yelled at, and disrespected. Free from it all.
Does it hurt? Of course. Because somewhere in me, I will always love the person I met 7 years ago. And on very rare occasions, I can see a glimpse of that person, and it makes me so sad to realize that person that I met, fell head over heels in love with, and had a child with, is no longer there anymore. At least not enough that I could ever make it work. So what do I feel after our conversation tonight? Free. That's what I feel.
As I said, I will always love him. There will never be a day that goes by that I don't. But I can't do it anymore. This man has broken me in ways that I may never be able to recover from and have a happy, healthy, and normal relationship with anyone else again, but that doesn't mean that I have to keep being in this unhealthy one, either. I am o.k. with being alone. I have my son, who is my world. And that's enough for me for now.
Here's the conversation.
[7/3/2012 11:04:15 PM]
[7/3/2012 11:05:26 PM] Tim Brand: Court? What court? Court is for people disagreeing.
[7/3/2012 11:05:52 PM] Keely Brand: So you want to give up all right's to Nathan and will not fight me on anything?
[7/3/2012 11:06:27 PM] Tim Brand: I'll get Nathan every other weekend and I don't know of anything to fight you over keely
[7/3/2012 11:06:54 PM] Keely Brand: No, you won't get Nathan every other weekend. You just said you wanted nothing to do with him. You got it. Goodbye.
[7/3/2012 11:07:11 PM] Tim Brand: Ok. Fine. You keep him. Anything else?
[7/3/2012 11:08:24 PM] Tim Brand: well? anything you want to agree on? Gotta get the papers ready tomorrow
[7/3/2012 11:08:58 PM] Keely Brand: Nope. Im done Blaine. You got what you wanted. Free of any and all responsibility to the family you never loved. K?
[7/3/2012 11:09:25 PM] Tim Brand: Never loved? I hope you remember that when I'm dead. Bye bye
[7/3/2012 11:17:27 PM] Keely Brand: If you kill yourself, that is on you Blaine. I can no longer be responsible or feel guilty for what YOU do.
[7/3/2012 11:17:38 PM] Tim Brand: whatever. bye
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