I want to start out by saying this post is very controversial, and not entirely politically correct. The world now tip toes around other people to the point of not sharing their true feelings for fear of offending someone.
If you that type of person, you might want to stop reading now, because I'm about to offend you. A lot, because the politically correct response when your spouse comes out to you as transgender is supposed to be somewhere between, "I've known all along, and of course I still love you honey" apparently.
Is that the reality for so many couples when a spouse comes out as transgender? No.
In circles both in and out of support groups, and the hundreds of blog posts I found, there were not any that said anything other than extremely positive things, and leaving was never even mentioned as an option. You were just supposed to accept that this is your life, and your spouse is now the opposite gender, so deal with and shut up about it because THEY are going through so much. The struggles of the spouse are rarely, if ever, mentioned and if they are, it's more along the lines of stating that the spouse had a hard time but learned to cope with it.
I am not that spouse. It was more than I could handle in so many more ways than one. For the most part in the transgender support groups and communities I had built online, that made me hated. I think that was the fear that one day they too might receive the news my husband did, which was that I couldn't handle him being a woman.The man that I married is gone. It feels like he died. I am still grieving for the man that I married, because despite what people say, that man isn't there anymore.
Transgender people seem to think that only the outer body changes, and that if you love them, that shouldn't matter.
But the fact of the matter is, it's not just the body that changes. Yes, that is part of it. I mean, to be quite frank, I love having sex with a man. The thought of having to have sex with someone with a vagina instead of a penis when I am a straight woman is unappealing at the very least.
But it's about so much more than just the sex aspect of this.
It's about the man that I married, the one who I loved for so many different reasons, being completely opposite personality wise in his new life as a female.
The community of transgender people will tell you that only the body changes, but as someone who has been there, that's an absolute lie.
When you become female, start hormones, of course your personality will change also!
So quite literally, there is nothing of the man I married left. Not on the inside, and certainly not on the outside.
I spent a long time trying to cope with this, and making myself unhappy in the process so that I could better support him. The people we talked to always focused on his struggles in transitioning and if you dare to speak about how badly you are struggling, grieving or anything else you are hushed incredibly fast and told you are selfish for feeling that way, and that if you REALLY loved your spouse you would love what's on the inside and not the outside.
I am here to tell you that you cannot become the opposite gender, and not change your personality.
I don't know where things stand. I love my husband. I always will.
I try to love the new woman he is becoming also, but her and I don't get along so well. In my opinion, she is an attention seeking, whiny, and just awful woman. But I loved my husband.
I am learning to accept that that man is gone. Forever.
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