No trust, and no respect, so what's left?

Holding it all in.

My problem is that I wait until everything gets unbearable until I finally tell someone what has really been bothering me at the worst possible time. And to them, it comes out of nowhere, even though to me, it has been on my mind for weeks or months.

Freedom.

Freedom? It couldn't have happened on a better day. Today, on July 4th, 2012, INDEPENDENCE Day, I am FREE.
Free from the fighting. Free from the heartbreak. Free from the manipulation and lies. Free from being cheated on. Free from always feeling unworthy. Free from being cursed at, yelled at, and disrespected. Free from it all.
Does it hurt? Of course. Because somewhere in me, I will always love the person I met 7 years ago. And on very rare occasions, I can see a glimpse of that person, and it makes me so sad to realize that person that I met, fell head over heels in love with, and had a child with, is no longer there anymore. At least not enough that I could ever make it work. So what do I feel after our conversation tonight? Free. That's what I feel.
As I said, I will always love him. There will never be a day that goes by that I don't. But I can't do it anymore. This man has broken me in ways that I may never be able to recover from and have a happy, healthy, and normal relationship with anyone else again, but that doesn't mean that I have to keep being in this unhealthy one, either. I am o.k. with being alone. I have my son, who is my world. And that's enough for me for now.

Here's the conversation.


[7/3/2012 11:04:15 PM] Keely Brand: I don't care how angry you are, it's never excuseable to break your son's heart, or to say you want nothing to do with him. I forgave you for it once, but told you I wouldn't be able to forgive that again, and I meant it. You are out of his life Blaine. That is what you wanted, and you got it. Other than seeing you in court one last time, I hope to never see you again. Congratulations. You finally did the one thing to Nathan you swore you would never ever do, because you knew how much it had hurt you.  Goodbye.

[7/3/2012 11:05:26 PM] Tim Brand: Court? What court? Court is for people disagreeing.

[7/3/2012 11:05:52 PM] Keely Brand: So you want to give up all right's to Nathan and will not fight me on anything?

[7/3/2012 11:06:27 PM] Tim Brand: I'll get Nathan every other weekend and I don't know of anything to fight you over keely

[7/3/2012 11:06:54 PM] Keely Brand: No, you won't get Nathan every other weekend. You just said you wanted nothing to do with him. You got it. Goodbye.

[7/3/2012 11:07:11 PM] Tim Brand: Ok. Fine. You keep him. Anything else?

[7/3/2012 11:08:24 PM] Tim Brand: well? anything you want to agree on? Gotta get the papers ready tomorrow
[7/3/2012 11:08:58 PM] Keely Brand: Nope. Im done Blaine. You got what you wanted. Free of any and all responsibility to the family you never loved. K?

[7/3/2012 11:09:25 PM] Tim Brand: Never loved? I hope you remember that when I'm dead. Bye bye

[7/3/2012 11:17:27 PM] Keely Brand: If you kill yourself, that is on you Blaine. I can no longer be responsible or feel guilty for what YOU do.

[7/3/2012 11:17:38 PM] Tim Brand: whatever. bye

Father Figure

Ya know, in all my life, all I ever wanted for my son was for him to have great parents. I don't think that is too much to ask either, since alot of kids do get exactly that. But I wanted Nathan to have BOTH parents be great and love him more than life. I guess I wanted Nathan to have the kind of Dad I had, and for me to be a better Mama to him than my Mom was to me. That's pretty much all.

But I guess sometimes despite good intentions, and despite what people act like, that just doesn't happen, no matter how much you may want it to.  I am put between a rock and a hard place in this situation, and have to make a choice. And I have to keep in mind that the choice can't be what I want, it can't be about me being angry, or anything else. It simply has to be about what is best for MY SON.

Decisions to make and I am SO torn.