Just emotionally drained.

I don't know how much more I can take of this emotional drama all the damn time. It's absolutely ridiculous. He has so many different moods that I NEVER know where I stand with him. It's taking so much out of me that I just feel numb anymore. Numb to when he decides he wants more than what he has been giving me, and trys to hug and kiss on me. And numb when he changes his mind and decides to be an ass, or be "mad" about whatever bullshit reason he comes up with it.

I don't feel much of ANYthing anymore but love for my kid.  I have an offer on the table from a real man, one who would treat me and my kid AMAZINGLY, and because of my husband,  I can't even make myself feel anything towards the other guy who I know if I COULD make myself let go of what I feel for my husband, that would make Nathan and I really really happy. But I can't let go of what I have been keeping inside for so damn long.
And I don't feel anything for ANYone but my child. I think I need a therapist and a psychiatrist. Somehow in these past few years, something in me just SNAPPED after all of the verbal and emotional abuse I have been put through and I think this is stronger than anything I could overcome on my own....

Can I ever get what we had back?

I realized tonight that I just don't feel the way for him as I did years ago, when we first met.
I guess when you have been hurt and hurt over and over again, you close part of yourself(and your heart) off to that person. I don't know if it's forever, or if someday that person can make you trust them enough to ever  open that part of yourself up again, no matter how hard they try....

Conflicted

I feel like being involved with someone with Bipolar Disorder is bound to leave with you with so many ranges of emotions that sometimes you will question if you are also Bipolar, or just experiencing normal emotions that go along with the range of up's and down's they have as a Bipolar person.

I feel like the one word that would describe me the best right now would be conflicted. My emotions are conflicted in how I feel about him. My LIFE is conflicted because of the constant up's and down's my relationship experiences and is always changing.

For me, it is SO hard to differentiate between asking myself if this is all him being Bipolar, or if he's just an emotionally abusive asshole pretty much. If it's the disorder, do I still hold him accountable? And how do I ever REALLY know that it's his disorder, and not just that he's an ass?

Me? Strong??

A really dear friend of mine posted a comment to me tonight that said I was strong. Honestly, while feeling super loved and super blessed to have such a great friend, the only thought that ran through my mind was, "ME? Strong? Ha!" because when it comes to thing, I feel so incredibly weak sometimes. Strong would be the last word I would have ever thought that I heard someone describe me as. But the more I thought about it, I might not be the strongest person I know, but I do have some inner strength coming from somewhere. If you had asked me where I would be in 5 years when I was 17, the answer certainly wouldn't have been a Mom, especially a SINGLE Mom, to a special needs child. But somewhere along the way, that's just what happened. Life happened I supposed. And I suppose that I do have more stregnth than I ever thought possible for me to have inside myself. I mean, I get up everyday. That alone at this point is an accomplishment. And I also realized that while I have been put down SO much by my exhusband for my shortcomings, he can kiss my ass. Know why? Because I have a broken foot right now. I couldn't afford the $250.00 it would have cost me to have a cast put on it. So I wrapped it in a ace-bandage, and am using old crutches when my son isn't busy playing with the crutches at least. I am STILL taking care of him, by myself with no help, with a broken foot that isn't even in a cast. Uh yeah, ex-husband thanks for that help btw! (GRR. But that will come in a later post.)


Btw, I just want to say that it's complete and utter bullshit that my ex has in the last week bought a $450.00 tablet, plus another $200.00 for a docking station and accessories, and a SNAKE plus other stuff(about $300.00 worth) but yet, he hasn't bought his son any diapers. I had to go without a cast on my broken foot, to supply diapers for his son, and yet, he can afford almost $1000.00 in luxury items. It's BULLSHIT! Yeah, ok, rant over. Back to putting my foot up and praying it stops hurting soon.