A really dear friend of mine posted a comment to me tonight that said I was strong. Honestly, while feeling super loved and super blessed to have such a great friend, the only thought that ran through my mind was, "ME? Strong? Ha!" because when it comes to thing, I feel so incredibly weak sometimes. Strong would be the last word I would have ever thought that I heard someone describe me as. But the more I thought about it, I might not be the strongest person I know, but I do have some inner strength coming from somewhere. If you had asked me where I would be in 5 years when I was 17, the answer certainly wouldn't have been a Mom, especially a SINGLE Mom, to a special needs child. But somewhere along the way, that's just what happened. Life happened I supposed. And I suppose that I do have more stregnth than I ever thought possible for me to have inside myself. I mean, I get up everyday. That alone at this point is an accomplishment. And I also realized that while I have been put down SO much by my exhusband for my shortcomings, he can kiss my ass. Know why? Because I have a broken foot right now. I couldn't afford the $250.00 it would have cost me to have a cast put on it. So I wrapped it in a ace-bandage, and am using old crutches when my son isn't busy playing with the crutches at least. I am STILL taking care of him, by myself with no help, with a broken foot that isn't even in a cast. Uh yeah, ex-husband thanks for that help btw! (GRR. But that will come in a later post.)
Btw, I just want to say that it's complete and utter bullshit that my ex has in the last week bought a $450.00 tablet, plus another $200.00 for a docking station and accessories, and a SNAKE plus other stuff(about $300.00 worth) but yet, he hasn't bought his son any diapers. I had to go without a cast on my broken foot, to supply diapers for his son, and yet, he can afford almost $1000.00 in luxury items. It's BULLSHIT! Yeah, ok, rant over. Back to putting my foot up and praying it stops hurting soon.
Sometimes our strength comes from the anger itself. Sometimes it comes from the pain. And other times we are strong throught the simple instinct of survival.
ReplyDeleteThe days I spent sitting in my bath tub wiping the shame of the sexual abuse off...I was angry!!!! There were time I sat wondering that this was never going to wash off. It would never go away...and I pulled through just for the simple act of hatered. I know its wrong to hate...But I do.
Then there were those times of betrayal. It came from the unexpected and the trust was broken. The pain felt intense...but you pull through just to pull through. You broke me down...but i stand despite of you!!!
Then there is survival. There is no other option. You walk because sitting will kill you! You fight because there is no place to flee.
So...yes, you are strong. It doesn't matter where that strength comes from...You are strong. You are kicking ass! You are standing and walking...and moving on. That takes strength...amazing strength!!!