Selfish Needs above your child?!?!

I am so disgusted by his selfishness right now that I could scream. His son had an EEG done today. Not only did I have to hold my child down for 2 HOURS while he screamed and cried to the point of gagging, but they cemented the leads on his head down with a superglue substance that has his hair super glued to the electrodes. My son is only 18 months so he doesn't know how to move and keep the "box" that holds the wires and monitor with him, so when he moves, it pulls on his head/scalp and hair until he cries from the pain. EVERYTIME HE MOVES. He also has pulled so hard on it accidentally that he has pulled a chunk of his hair mixed with the glue out and screamed for 30 minutes on that one. He is pitiful and miserable and I wish so bad that I could just say forget it, and take this stuff off. It hurts my heart to see my baby boy in pain.
The kicker? He hasn't even asked how his son is doing. And when I point that out, and that I am pissed that he rambled on for 4 paragraphs about how his art class sucks and how hard it is instead of first asking how his son is, apparently I need to just simmer down because it's no big deal. No?

Well maybe had you been there to see how much it hurt him having his head cemeneted and how it hurt him, he would understand. But because your priority isn't your son, you weren't there. Again. So yeah, I guess to you, the person who only sees him to play for a while and bring him home, and you never go through the difficult mess that real parenting entails, yeah, to you, it's probably "no big deal"

The ups and downs of a Bipolar Man.

His behavior has been extremely erratic lately. It goes from ignoring me completely, procaliming his love for me, to pissed off and wanting a divorce. I know that I never should have fell for the "I love you's" and all of that. But there is just something about when that boy cries. It BREAKS MY HEART into tiny tiny pieces. It's like I cannot stand to see him sad, and I will do anything, even sacrafice my own heart that WAS on the mend, to make sure HE isn't sad, even if it makes ME sad in the process. There is something extremely screwed up in ME though for me to keep "saving him" even when it is destructive to me. This past weekend, he did come as he said he would. I was so strong for about 2-3 hours in my resolve to not let him touch me, not really even respond, etc. But then he got to me. I saw tears in his eyes when I refused to hug him when he begged me to. And then I did. And then, of course, the snowball effect happened, and from then on, my resolve was weak. Completely and totally weak. Just like me when that boy has tears in his eyes, or tells me he loves me, even if I don't believe it anymore. But there are times when he IS so incredibly sweet, and loving, and caring and all of these other things. Just enough so that when he does it, I see a glimpse of that sweet man whom I married. Enough that I keep "trying to make it work" for just one more day. Because it gives me hope that that sweet man is still in there somewhere. And that one day, that man will come back to me if I wait for the right meds to kick in, or when we get to therapy, etc. I'm not by any means saying that it is logical to feel that way. But, really, when has love ever been logical or reasonable? SIGH.

I let go, you pull me back.

This picture(above) pretty much desribes exactly how I feel at the moment. I can't help but be flattered that he misses me, and yet, it's his OWN FAULT that he misses me. It's not mine! He just apparently has decided that is not only coming to pick Nathan up for his visitation, but is STAYING THE NIGHT. Um, NO. I tell him no, and he responds with "As I said, too bad. Be there tomm. Love ya. Kisses 10:29 PM"

Wait, seriously. You won't even take no for an answer. How in the hell should I handle this?!?! And WHY when I finally start letting go, do you ALWAYS have to try to pull me back into your emotional rollercoaster bullshit?

Loving myself means letting him go...

Tonight, he halfway roped me back in with his depression. I can't stand to see him like that. He was so sad, and even cried, and all of these feelings rushed to me. He kept telling me he loves me, but never once did he even say he was sorry for what he did and said.

But I don't really think he loves ME. At least he doesn't love me the way I am. His love is conditional. It is conditional as long as I don't piss him off. And I can't fix that for him. I can't make him see how it hurts me. I can't make him see how every single time he does that, it has just scarred a piece of my heart until the point that I don't FEEL like I used to anymore. I don't cry over him anymore. I can't bring myself to even feel the happy, lovely amazing feelings he used to give me anymore, without thinking that he doesn't really mean what he is saying, because tomorrow, I will be a fat, ugly bitch whom he hates, so him being sweet momentarily doesn't even affect me like it used to anymore.

Saying Goodbye to someone who had me from Hello.

I guess closure is what I am really looking for in all of this. I just don't know how it's just "the end" It seems as if my whole adult life, he has been there. And really, he has. From the time I was 16, I have been with him. I don't know how to be an adult without him, since every piece of my adult life has been spent with him. Anyway, as I told you before, I am doing this project from a website I found, that is supposed to help me learn to let go. I did the first "assignment" if you will, last night. And will do the next today. So....Here's the assignment. It says I need to tell him goodbye. Not actually to him, but to just get it out of me.
Tell your spouse goodbye. In the privacy of your own home or apartment, with the help of your friend (with your spouse nowhere near), tell your spouse what he or she has meant to you. Tell them how much it hurts to let them go. It's okay to get very specific about how the divorce is hurting you. Then tell them you accept that they are leaving and that your marriage is ending. Tell them they are free, and so are you. To make sure this is clear, this is an imagination exercise. I don't really mean for you to tell this to your spouse. Just pretend that you are.




Dear husband, 
                         We have had so many great times and great memories, and I will never forget those. It makes me so sad to think of how amazing things used to be between us, but even years and years ago, you would have these episodes of rage towards me, threats of killing yourself, and cutting yourself when you were angry. I can't say that I will miss this. This has been the most chaotic relationship I have ever had. Every single day looking back seems like one big emotional roller-coaster, and I have no idea how I hung out as long as I did without going crazy myself. I look back on the past several years, and remember the good times and how sweet you were. But then I look at the bad times and want to punch myself in the face for not leaving the first time I saw how it would be. It was a constant emotional drain to be so back and forth. One day, you would promise to love me forever, and declared your love in such a way that I really believed everything you said. And the next, you would scream, and call me names, and tell me how much you hated me and what a horrible person I was. I have never known how to handle that. It hurt me so much. And it caused so much insecurity in our relationship, because how could I believe that you loved me and would never leave me when the day before, I was a bitchwhoreslut who you hated.  You hated the person I became, but did you ever stop to think that you fell in love with me BEFORE you destroyed everything good about me? And THEN things changed. You changed me. I admit that. I am probably mentally screwed up from the emotional abuse. But instead of trying to help me, or make me feel better and more secure, you would make the problem worse by preying on my insecurity with us and break up with me, go get engaged to another woman, and tell me you hated me. And then come back and expect me to believe that you  love me....Right.

Will I ever be ok without him?

So I have been reading this website most of the night. It is a website meant for those who's spouses want a divorce, and it talks about all of these things you should do to try to help. At this point, I would give anything to stop feeling how I am feeling, so I figure it is worth giving it a try. And for anyone who wants the link, here it is.
http://www.divorceinfo.com/lettinggo.htm
So, here goes.
The first step is completely opposite of what I want to even think about right now, or what I expected it to be, when I am trying to move on. But as I said, I promised I would go through this entire process, if it will help me to be o.k. without him. It says the first step is to "celebrate my marriage" and go through this list of questions.

1. What made you fall in love with him/her?

When we first met, I fell in love with him for a lot of reasons. But mainly, it was how sweet he was to me, and how he would write poems for me, and send me sweet, make your heart melt love letters, and open the car door for me, and basically be this sweet, gentlemanly man. 

1. What are the things about your spouse that you really admire?

I admire how he makes Nathan laugh and giggle. Most of the time, I can't get Nathan to laugh nearly as hard as he can. I admire how he used to be the man that wanted to provide for his family no matter what, and would get up and go to work everyday and never made excuses for not going to work.

1. What does your spouse do (or did your spouse do in the past) that made you feel really good?

He used to write these really sweet love letters, and randomly send me sweet texts, and would always send me "Good morning" texts along with wishing me a good day. And he used to write love poems about me, and give them to me. It always never failed to make me feel appreciated, and loved, and lucky to be his wife.

1. What do you like (or did you like) about yourself when you were with your spouse?

I liked how I took care of him. How I turned into a nurturing woman when I met him, because he brought out those feelings of how I liked taking care of other people, and using that nurturing to show them how much I care.

1. What will you miss the most when you and your spouse are no longer together?

Honestly, I will miss what USED TO BE. Not what it has been these past couple of years. I will miss how it was when we first had Nathan, and how he used to help me, and change diapers, and cook, and do these things to help me on his day off. Now though, he is unemployed and he did more for me when he only had 1 day a week to help instead of 7days. I will miss the sweet, caring, and thoughtful man that used to send me texts and letter so sweet they would make me tear up. I will miss cuddling with someone at night, and someone to have inside jokes with. I will miss having someone there to help me bring in groceries, and someone to go to the grocery store for me when Nathan is sick. I will miss having someone else here period, because in the months that he has left, it has been a really lonely life....

Who he used to be...

I know anyone reading this has got to be like, ok, so if he is like this, why in the HELL did you stay, and why do you still love him. I can understand that. And I have asked that same question to myself many many times. But here's the answer:
I may not love the man he is now. As a matter of a fact, I very much dislike the man he is today. But the man he USED TO BE, is what kept me hanging on. The man that used to send me sweet things, just because he had a kind heart. The man who sent me roses just because. The man who sent me goodmorning texts. And randomly would tell me I was beautiful, especially when I didn't feel it and needed it the most. The man who laid beside me as I cried ALL night long when we lost our first child, and who even helped me shower, and even brush my hair  afterwards when I was so weak from blood loss that I couldn't stand without being dizzy.
I honestly don't know what happened to that man. I LOVED that man with everything in me. How could it be such a drastic change? What went wrong, and what happened to make him be like this? So cold, and mean-spirited when he used to be the sweetest man I knew? It makes me really sad to think of that man, because I haven't seen that man in a really long time in my husband....
Anyway, here's an example of the man he used to be. He sent me this on our wedding day.

                  Hey. I justed wanted to wish you a good day tomm. I know the last couple of days have been more than pleasant. I'm sorry about all that. We both were just clashing. I still love you though. I want to spend my entire life with you. You make me so happy. You make me smile. You're gone at work all day and when you walk into the door, my heart skips a beat because of how much I missed you!! I know I can be an asshole, but you're still here. Thank you. We've been through so much in the last few years but we made it. We finally got offically married and have the rest of our lives to make each other happy. Relationships are hard. Everyone knows that, and I'm willing and ready to go through all the hell a marriage has just to be with you.I LOVE YOU, BABYGIRL. I'm so happy to have you as my wife! You make me smile. Even when we are in some stupid ass fight, I'm still happy and know I made a WONDERFUL choice in marrying you. Nobody else could EVER make me as happy as you do. Thank you  for being here with me and I promise to love you in sickness and in health. For richer or poorer and NEVER do us part. Even in death I will always be yours. I love you Mrs. Brand. :) Have a great day at work and don't let those losers you work with get you down. They are just jealous that you have a man at home that loves you and would die for you.

What happened to the man he used to be?

As you can see, I gave him an ultimatum tonight. He had the choice between at least treating me with SOME respect, when he is pissed off, and not cussing me out, and calling me horrible names; or I wanted a divorce. As you can see from the above, he chose to get a divorce rather than treat me like a human being with feelings. He then later went on to tell me not to speak to him, and when I said "Ok" he replied with this lovely message.

THAT is contacting me further! WHEN I SAY LEAVE ME ALONE, IT MEANS JUST THAT! IT MEANS YOU LEGALLY NEED TO SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND LEAVE ME ALONE!        7:09PM

Yeah. That is what I have been married to/in a relationship with for 7 years. Is it no wonder than I felt RELIEF? To get out of this HELL....Because that has been all it has been for a long time. Arguements, hurt feelings, tears, and being screamed at. Why would I be sad to let THAT go?

I am sure that it will sink in at some point and I will be scared, and sad, and a little heartbroken. But those feelings would be the grief over losing the man I first met 7 years ago. Not the man who would ever dream of talking to me the way he does, the man who would never threaten me, the man who treated me with respect, and love. I just want to know what the hell happened to THAT man? I LOVED that man. :(

Sacrifice

Well, he somewhat passed the test and I really started to believe in us. It seems like when I am finally letting go, he decides to pull me back just enough to make me stay.
The 19th was my Birthday though. He came over and I got told that pretty much, he will not be a family again,and live with us again. He seemed to just have given that up because of financial reasons and his refusal to live where Nathan and I live. There always seems to be a new excuse as to why he won't live here again, even though it was "good enough" for him before he decided to walk out on us. I think the problem is not that where I live isn't good enough, it's that he has too much fun living like a bachelor with his Mom. There, he doesn't have to clean, doesn't have to take care of Nathan every day, doesn't have to get a job, or cook, or do ANYTHING other than play on the computer, do whatever he wants, have no responsibility, and sleep all day long until 2 and 3 in the afternoon. I guess to him, that's a pretty great life. For me, I need more in my life, and I want to do more with my life, and I want someone who WANTS to do more with their life and has drive, and ambition, and most of all, FOLLOW THROUGH. That has always been his problem. He will have these grandiose notions of what he is going to do, but never actually does any of it. He is always talking about what he is GOING TO do. He is GOING TO get a job. He is GOING TO give more child support and get Nathan for visitation every weekend. He is GOING TO start this buisness. He is GOING TO do something more than play on the computer and sleep, someday. I feel like "going to" should be his life story. But I don't want "going to" to be my life story. I want, She DID do this, and she DID do that to be MY life story.
But anyway, back to my birthday. He finally woke up and came over around 2pm. I thought things were going great, and they did. For about an hour. But then he was "bored" and kept complaining so I finally just got fed up and decided that it was MY birthday and supposed to be about ME for just ONE DAY. So I decided I was going to take a gift card I got, and go to my favorite restaurant. He said he wasn't hungry, so instead of going to keep me company, he went home. I asked if we could come by and spend the night with him after going, and he said yes. Well, halfway through dinner ALONE, I get a text that he is going to sleep and the door is locked. Wait, WHAT? This is my birthday, you spend most of the day sleeping instead of being with me, and then after you spend an hour with me, you are going BACK to sleep again at 7:30? REALLY? Could you be any more selfish?

Then you decide that you are apparently pissed off at me, but won't tell me why(probably because I didn't do a damn thing, and you are just being your usual asshole self for no reason) That's ok. Because while it used to drive me crazy, these past 2 days that you haven't talked to me have been nothing more than some healing time. I am letting go. And it's not killing me. You didn't realize how close you were to losing me I guess this time. But I am thankful for it. Because the thought of living without you doesn't kill me anymore. I agreed to spend the rest of my life with the man I married, but you are nowhere near that hardworking, decent, kind, sweet man I married, so those vows no longer bind me to who you are now, which is a bitter, lazy, dishonest, asshole who is emotionally abusive. If you ever do find the man I married again, give me a call.

It's a test. Hope you pass for your son's sake.

So, as you all know, sometimes I wonder if that certain someone who is in and out of my life really cares about anyone but himself at all. I have pretty much come to the realization that in the case of me and him, his needs and wants will always win over mine.

But I have begun to wonder if it's just me that he is that selfish with. I have pretty much stopped most communication other than a message or two he sent me, some of which I didn't respond to. But I wanted to. I want to see how much he really cares about his son too. He hasn't Skyped with our son in 2 days, because before, when it came to that, it was always me initiating it. I am also not going to ask him to see Nathan or have his visitation. If he does, great. And if he doesn't, well, that just means that he truely is his Father's (that he hates so much) son.

Drifting apart

You know that moment when you realize that you are drifting apart from someone, and even though it hurts, you decide to just let them go? I think that's where I am at. In the past couple of weeks, I have noticed myself drifting apart from him. It doesn't kill me like it used to if we don't talk. When he Skype's, I will still answer, but won't do much to prolong the conversation like I used to either.We have been here before, and he has always noticed when this change in "us" happens, and ropes me back in, whether subconsciously or not, but he always has. But this time, instead of fighting to keep us connected, I am just letting it happen, and hoping that by doing it this way, my heart will be able to just slowly let go. And honestly, thus far, it kind of seems to be working(knock on wood) I don't find myself tempted to call him and strike up conversation, or tempted to urge him to see Nathan, so that he will see me, and reconnect with me either. I have just almost given up.

Also, I think I kind of had a breakthrough today. I think I have realized that unless something drastic happens(and you never know with a Bipolar person) But unless something drastic happens, I think I have finally realized that I just don't think he is even capable of loving me like I need and want to be loved. I don't think he will ever care for me, and think of me like I do him either. I have never missed an oppritunity to show him how much I care, or do something sweet and thoughtful for him, just to be nice. But for once, I want to be selfish, and FOR ONCE in our 7 year relationship, I want him to do for me, what I have been doing for him for the past 7 years. Show me he gives a damn at all I guess. And I just don't think he will. I have given up on him being the man I desperatly want and need him to be. So at some point, I've got to decide if I just want to live with less than what I feel I deserve and stay with him, or move on and take a chance at finding someone who will.

 It's a really hard and scary choice. I used to judge those who stayed in sub-par relationships just because it was "comfortable" or "ok most of the time" but here I am, many years later, and generally incontent most of the time, but yet I have continued to stay with him. Life has a funny way of making you feel like a dumbass for the things you used to be so judgemental about.

Numb

So, ok, I know this blog has got to be one of the most screwed up, crazy sounding things since I don't update as I should, so I am going to TRY to update:
He wiggled out of being caught with the girl. He said they "side hugged" only, and that picture was just when they did it. He didnt think to tell me about her apparently either, but is "So sorry" and sent me a sweet email that made me bawl, and stupidly forgive him. I still don't trust him though. That right there should be enough to make me walk away and be able to let go. What the HELL kind of hold does he have on me? I DO NOT get it. My mind says, "You are a dumbass for staying, leave NOW" but for some reason my heart takes him back time after time after time. Hoping I am not the only woman who struggles with this. And seriously, him having Bipolar disorder makes is SO damn easy for him to blame his stuff on the disorder and I truely don't know if it's just he's an ass who can't control his temper and has a tendancy to be downright cruel, or if it truly is the Bipolar. And I feel like if he is sick, I shouldn't hold it against him. I don't know. Everything is so confusing and just CRAZY right now. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind, I swear. It seems like our entire relationship has ALWAYS been some crazy, screwed up, rollercoaster cycle of intensly happy and in love, to him walking out on me. Like seriously, it's SUCH a cycle. And just sayin, this cycle we have going, is REALLY bad for my mental health.


Anyway, enough of that. For those of you reading this who are also in an unhappy relationship(because, really, why would anyone in a happy marriage be reading this, ya know?) Anyway, for those of you in the same situation so to speak, or just generally in a not so great relationship, so you ever like fantasize about what it would be like to be with someone who DOES treat you how you dream of being treated, or who DOES do all those things that you wish your S.O(significant other) would do for you?

I constantly fantasize about what it would be like, how my life would be so very different, how my LIFE would be completely different, and what qualities that person would have, and how I would chose someone, if I could just manage to let go of the one that has my heart, but also breaks it on a regular basis.

I just want someone who would love me like I love him, and how I wish he loved me, ya know?
Someone who would do these romantic things, and make my heart actually feel ok again.
Someone who would call me special names, and be there for me when I need them most.
Someone who actually asks, and listens to the awnser of how my day was.
Someone who would never make me feel as worthless as he has, and never make me question their love, their commitment, and never violate my trust.
At least not repeatedly would be a start I suppose....

I KNOW that everybody makes mistakes, and God knows, I have made mine. But sometimes I just feel numb anymore. I can't even tell you the last time he has made me cry. And THAT, more than anything, tells me that if it doesn't change, it's just over. When someone can't even hurt you anymore, then you know it's gotten really bad. I would rather feel hate him sometimes, but love him also, than to feel nothing at all. And I feel like I am getting to that point.