His behavior has been extremely erratic lately. It goes from ignoring me completely, procaliming his love for me, to pissed off and wanting a divorce. I know that I never should have fell for the "I love you's" and all of that. But there is just something about when that boy cries. It BREAKS MY HEART into tiny tiny pieces. It's like I cannot stand to see him sad, and I will do anything, even sacrafice my own heart that WAS on the mend, to make sure HE isn't sad, even if it makes ME sad in the process. There is something extremely screwed up in ME though for me to keep "saving him" even when it is destructive to me. This past weekend, he did come as he said he would. I was so strong for about 2-3 hours in my resolve to not let him touch me, not really even respond, etc. But then he got to me. I saw tears in his eyes when I refused to hug him when he begged me to. And then I did. And then, of course, the snowball effect happened, and from then on, my resolve was weak. Completely and totally weak. Just like me when that boy has tears in his eyes, or tells me he loves me, even if I don't believe it anymore. But there are times when he IS so incredibly sweet, and loving, and caring and all of these other things. Just enough so that when he does it, I see a glimpse of that sweet man whom I married. Enough that I keep "trying to make it work" for just one more day. Because it gives me hope that that sweet man is still in there somewhere. And that one day, that man will come back to me if I wait for the right meds to kick in, or when we get to therapy, etc. I'm not by any means saying that it is logical to feel that way. But, really, when has love ever been logical or reasonable? SIGH.
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