Sacrifice

Well, he somewhat passed the test and I really started to believe in us. It seems like when I am finally letting go, he decides to pull me back just enough to make me stay.
The 19th was my Birthday though. He came over and I got told that pretty much, he will not be a family again,and live with us again. He seemed to just have given that up because of financial reasons and his refusal to live where Nathan and I live. There always seems to be a new excuse as to why he won't live here again, even though it was "good enough" for him before he decided to walk out on us. I think the problem is not that where I live isn't good enough, it's that he has too much fun living like a bachelor with his Mom. There, he doesn't have to clean, doesn't have to take care of Nathan every day, doesn't have to get a job, or cook, or do ANYTHING other than play on the computer, do whatever he wants, have no responsibility, and sleep all day long until 2 and 3 in the afternoon. I guess to him, that's a pretty great life. For me, I need more in my life, and I want to do more with my life, and I want someone who WANTS to do more with their life and has drive, and ambition, and most of all, FOLLOW THROUGH. That has always been his problem. He will have these grandiose notions of what he is going to do, but never actually does any of it. He is always talking about what he is GOING TO do. He is GOING TO get a job. He is GOING TO give more child support and get Nathan for visitation every weekend. He is GOING TO start this buisness. He is GOING TO do something more than play on the computer and sleep, someday. I feel like "going to" should be his life story. But I don't want "going to" to be my life story. I want, She DID do this, and she DID do that to be MY life story.
But anyway, back to my birthday. He finally woke up and came over around 2pm. I thought things were going great, and they did. For about an hour. But then he was "bored" and kept complaining so I finally just got fed up and decided that it was MY birthday and supposed to be about ME for just ONE DAY. So I decided I was going to take a gift card I got, and go to my favorite restaurant. He said he wasn't hungry, so instead of going to keep me company, he went home. I asked if we could come by and spend the night with him after going, and he said yes. Well, halfway through dinner ALONE, I get a text that he is going to sleep and the door is locked. Wait, WHAT? This is my birthday, you spend most of the day sleeping instead of being with me, and then after you spend an hour with me, you are going BACK to sleep again at 7:30? REALLY? Could you be any more selfish?

Then you decide that you are apparently pissed off at me, but won't tell me why(probably because I didn't do a damn thing, and you are just being your usual asshole self for no reason) That's ok. Because while it used to drive me crazy, these past 2 days that you haven't talked to me have been nothing more than some healing time. I am letting go. And it's not killing me. You didn't realize how close you were to losing me I guess this time. But I am thankful for it. Because the thought of living without you doesn't kill me anymore. I agreed to spend the rest of my life with the man I married, but you are nowhere near that hardworking, decent, kind, sweet man I married, so those vows no longer bind me to who you are now, which is a bitter, lazy, dishonest, asshole who is emotionally abusive. If you ever do find the man I married again, give me a call.