Numb

So, ok, I know this blog has got to be one of the most screwed up, crazy sounding things since I don't update as I should, so I am going to TRY to update:
He wiggled out of being caught with the girl. He said they "side hugged" only, and that picture was just when they did it. He didnt think to tell me about her apparently either, but is "So sorry" and sent me a sweet email that made me bawl, and stupidly forgive him. I still don't trust him though. That right there should be enough to make me walk away and be able to let go. What the HELL kind of hold does he have on me? I DO NOT get it. My mind says, "You are a dumbass for staying, leave NOW" but for some reason my heart takes him back time after time after time. Hoping I am not the only woman who struggles with this. And seriously, him having Bipolar disorder makes is SO damn easy for him to blame his stuff on the disorder and I truely don't know if it's just he's an ass who can't control his temper and has a tendancy to be downright cruel, or if it truly is the Bipolar. And I feel like if he is sick, I shouldn't hold it against him. I don't know. Everything is so confusing and just CRAZY right now. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind, I swear. It seems like our entire relationship has ALWAYS been some crazy, screwed up, rollercoaster cycle of intensly happy and in love, to him walking out on me. Like seriously, it's SUCH a cycle. And just sayin, this cycle we have going, is REALLY bad for my mental health.


Anyway, enough of that. For those of you reading this who are also in an unhappy relationship(because, really, why would anyone in a happy marriage be reading this, ya know?) Anyway, for those of you in the same situation so to speak, or just generally in a not so great relationship, so you ever like fantasize about what it would be like to be with someone who DOES treat you how you dream of being treated, or who DOES do all those things that you wish your S.O(significant other) would do for you?

I constantly fantasize about what it would be like, how my life would be so very different, how my LIFE would be completely different, and what qualities that person would have, and how I would chose someone, if I could just manage to let go of the one that has my heart, but also breaks it on a regular basis.

I just want someone who would love me like I love him, and how I wish he loved me, ya know?
Someone who would do these romantic things, and make my heart actually feel ok again.
Someone who would call me special names, and be there for me when I need them most.
Someone who actually asks, and listens to the awnser of how my day was.
Someone who would never make me feel as worthless as he has, and never make me question their love, their commitment, and never violate my trust.
At least not repeatedly would be a start I suppose....

I KNOW that everybody makes mistakes, and God knows, I have made mine. But sometimes I just feel numb anymore. I can't even tell you the last time he has made me cry. And THAT, more than anything, tells me that if it doesn't change, it's just over. When someone can't even hurt you anymore, then you know it's gotten really bad. I would rather feel hate him sometimes, but love him also, than to feel nothing at all. And I feel like I am getting to that point.