I guess closure is what I am really looking for in all of this. I just don't know how it's just "the end" It seems as if my whole adult life, he has been there. And really, he has. From the time I was 16, I have been with him. I don't know how to be an adult without him, since every piece of my adult life has been spent with him. Anyway, as I told you before, I am doing this project from a website I found, that is supposed to help me learn to let go. I did the first "assignment" if you will, last night. And will do the next today. So....Here's the assignment. It says I need to tell him goodbye. Not actually to him, but to just get it out of me.
Tell your spouse goodbye. In the privacy of your own home or apartment, with the help of your friend (with your spouse nowhere near), tell your spouse what he or she has meant to you. Tell them how much it hurts to let them go. It's okay to get very specific about how the divorce is hurting you. Then tell them you accept that they are leaving and that your marriage is ending. Tell them they are free, and so are you. To make sure this is clear, this is an imagination exercise. I don't really mean for you to tell this to your spouse. Just pretend that you are.
Dear husband,
We have had so many great times and great memories, and I will never forget those. It makes me so sad to think of how amazing things used to be between us, but even years and years ago, you would have these episodes of rage towards me, threats of killing yourself, and cutting yourself when you were angry. I can't say that I will miss this. This has been the most chaotic relationship I have ever had. Every single day looking back seems like one big emotional roller-coaster, and I have no idea how I hung out as long as I did without going crazy myself. I look back on the past several years, and remember the good times and how sweet you were. But then I look at the bad times and want to punch myself in the face for not leaving the first time I saw how it would be. It was a constant emotional drain to be so back and forth. One day, you would promise to love me forever, and declared your love in such a way that I really believed everything you said. And the next, you would scream, and call me names, and tell me how much you hated me and what a horrible person I was. I have never known how to handle that. It hurt me so much. And it caused so much insecurity in our relationship, because how could I believe that you loved me and would never leave me when the day before, I was a bitchwhoreslut who you hated. You hated the person I became, but did you ever stop to think that you fell in love with me BEFORE you destroyed everything good about me? And THEN things changed. You changed me. I admit that. I am probably mentally screwed up from the emotional abuse. But instead of trying to help me, or make me feel better and more secure, you would make the problem worse by preying on my insecurity with us and break up with me, go get engaged to another woman, and tell me you hated me. And then come back and expect me to believe that you love me....Right.
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