So, it seems as if everyone these days is making a bucket list. Some have hundreds, or thousands of items on the list though. For me, mine is pretty simple I think, so I am starting with my 30 things before I turn 30.
1) Leave a random waitress having a bad day an amazing tip-over 50.00
2.) Go on a cruise(would be first ever)
3.) Buy our first house
4.) Teach Nathan to ride a bike
5.) Graduate Paramedic school.
6.) Get a job as a Paramedic working for RPS.
7.) Go back to school and complete my nursing degree.
8.) Nathan goes to Kindergarten.
9.) Go one day without getting frustrated.
10.) Work on attitude and learn to have a more positive attitude.
11.) Everyone in the family goes a whole year without surgery or hospitalization.
12.) Hear Nathan tell me he loves me.
13.) Nathan be able to say more than 10 words.
14.) Have a day where it is nothing but a Nathan and Mommy day, do NOTHING but play all day long. No studying, no phone calls, no interruptions.
15.) Take Nathan on a family vacation.
16.) Go on a romantic, couples only vacation.
17.) Loose 100 pounds.
18.) Have financial stability and go a year without ever being late on a bill.
19.) Pay off Nathan's medical bills that are on my credit.
20.) Bring credit score up from a 618 to over 725.
21.) Make someone's day.
22.) Give to a worthy charity.
23.) Make 20 blankets, and donate them to the NICU Nathan stayed in for the babies who are in state custody.
24.) Stop smoking.
25.) Buy a new car with nothing buy my credit.
26.) Randomly buy a toy for a child in a store who is having a hard time, fussy, etc. Give it to the child, smile, and walk away.
27.) Finish my scrapbook.
28.) Finish Nathan's baby book.
29.) Get professional family photo's taken.
30.) Turn 30. :P (Guess that one's beyond my control. haha)
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Losing our babygirl.
The other day, a very dear friend of mine found out that she had lost her child. She was around 7 weeks along, but it was so hard on her, and in talking to her, I discovered that I had never fully recovered from losing our babygirl. I have NEVER before wrote this story, or even told details of all that happened that day, and I am hoping by doing this, it will help heal my soul.
One day, I was at my apartment, and started having the worst period cramps I had ever felt in my life. I got into the bathtub to try to ease my pain, but it got a million times worse. At that point, I couldn't even move. The pain was crippling. I couldn't even get out of the bathtub to make it to my cell phone to call 911. The pain finally subsided enough that I stood up to try to get out of the bathtub when suddenly I was hit with the worst "cramp" yet, and suddenly began gushing blood. I could only half sit and half stand and cry and scream. It was to date, the worst pain I have ever felt. Then, i feel like my insides are being ripped out, and a huge mass comes out of me. I felt it drop, and the pain subsided some. I dug around in the blood filled bathtub, still gushing blood at an alarming rate. I pulled out a developed sak of amniotic fluid with the bag intact holding a precious little girl about the size of my hand. I had no idea I was pregnant. I sat in the bathroom and sobbed my heart out. I eventually made it to the kitchen with my phone, and called Tim. I told him I needed to cancel our plans for the day because I was taking myself to the hospital, and that I had had a miscarriage. He only lived about 5 minutes away, and made it there in less than 2 minutes. When he walked in, I had a towel between my legs, standing in the kitchen floor sobbing, and screamed that I couldn't stop bleeding long enough to get pants on to go to the hospital. I believe I was literally in shock, due to blood loss.I believe at that point, he was a little in shock himself because my apartment looked like the scene of a massacre. He immediatly said "I'm calling an ambulance. He called 911, and they advised him to make me lie down. I did, but was still having contractions where I would hemmorage with every one. The fire dept arrived before the ambulance, and because I was hemhorraging, they went ahead and started an IV. The ambulance arrived, threw a sheet over me, and took off for the hospital. My memory's on that are fuzzy at best. I don't know if I was going in and out of consciousness, or what, but I only remember bits and pieces after that. I remember my head was spinning, and things would just go dim. By the time we got to the hospital, my bleeding had slowed down alot, but was still pretty bad. The entire hospital bed was SOAKED in blood, as well as the pads beneath me, etc. I was still gushing a substantial amount. Eventually, after Blaine pulled my sheet back and saw the whole bed soaked, he demanded a doctor(we had been there almost 2 hours, without having even seen a nurse, while I bled out) It turns out, they were not told why I was there, and thought I was there for "stomach pain" Upon walking in and hearing what had happened, the doctor stood dumbfounded. He pulled the sheet over me back to do a V.E, and saw how bad I was hemhorraging. He immediatly ran out of the room, ordered pain medicine, and more IV fluids, and a medicine to help stop my bleeding. He also asked about the baby. The entire time, the paramedics had left her in a specimen bag beside my bed. I was sobbing so hard at this point that I couldn't talk, and was so dizzy the room was spinning, so Blaine filled him in. He apologized profusely. After they finally got my bleeding under control, I was allowed to leave, and we set up an appointment for the next day for an OB/GYN for a d and c. She did the exam, and determined since everything came out intact, that it wasn't nessicary, and prescribed iron since I was anemic after loosing so much blood. I also found out, that not only was I pregnant, and not known it, I had had a second trimester loss at 16 weeks. That is why my little girl was so big, and perfectly formed. I couldn't even stand going back to my apartment, and couldn't walk without intense pain and dizziness, so I stayed with Blaine. He made me fall in love with him all over again the next few weeks. He wouldn't even let me shower without him being in there because i was so dizzy, and a fall risk. He took amazing care of me, and got me back to health. I will never forget that, and even now, remembering how caring he was, brings tears to my eyes. After several weeks, when I was finally able to move around without dizziness, and getting my strength back, I decided I had to go clean my apartment. I had no idea what kind of condition it was left in, but knew it was going to be pretty bad. It was bad enough that my mattress was deemed a "biohazard" and was taken off. The pools of blood were everywhere. I thank God Blaine went with me, because i broke down seeing the blood everywhere. He helped me clean it up, and then took me back to his apartment, and let me lie in bed all day,and held me as I sobbed. The next morning, I decided I couldn't live in my apartment anymore, and would have to move. Even cleaned up, the stains were a constant reminder and it was still to fresh in my mind. I told Blaine this, and he told me to just stay there, and his roomate moved into my apartment, and we sort of switched apartments. That night, he said he wanted to get back together, and I agreed. We continued to grow closer and closer.
One day, I was at my apartment, and started having the worst period cramps I had ever felt in my life. I got into the bathtub to try to ease my pain, but it got a million times worse. At that point, I couldn't even move. The pain was crippling. I couldn't even get out of the bathtub to make it to my cell phone to call 911. The pain finally subsided enough that I stood up to try to get out of the bathtub when suddenly I was hit with the worst "cramp" yet, and suddenly began gushing blood. I could only half sit and half stand and cry and scream. It was to date, the worst pain I have ever felt. Then, i feel like my insides are being ripped out, and a huge mass comes out of me. I felt it drop, and the pain subsided some. I dug around in the blood filled bathtub, still gushing blood at an alarming rate. I pulled out a developed sak of amniotic fluid with the bag intact holding a precious little girl about the size of my hand. I had no idea I was pregnant. I sat in the bathroom and sobbed my heart out. I eventually made it to the kitchen with my phone, and called Tim. I told him I needed to cancel our plans for the day because I was taking myself to the hospital, and that I had had a miscarriage. He only lived about 5 minutes away, and made it there in less than 2 minutes. When he walked in, I had a towel between my legs, standing in the kitchen floor sobbing, and screamed that I couldn't stop bleeding long enough to get pants on to go to the hospital. I believe I was literally in shock, due to blood loss.I believe at that point, he was a little in shock himself because my apartment looked like the scene of a massacre. He immediatly said "I'm calling an ambulance. He called 911, and they advised him to make me lie down. I did, but was still having contractions where I would hemmorage with every one. The fire dept arrived before the ambulance, and because I was hemhorraging, they went ahead and started an IV. The ambulance arrived, threw a sheet over me, and took off for the hospital. My memory's on that are fuzzy at best. I don't know if I was going in and out of consciousness, or what, but I only remember bits and pieces after that. I remember my head was spinning, and things would just go dim. By the time we got to the hospital, my bleeding had slowed down alot, but was still pretty bad. The entire hospital bed was SOAKED in blood, as well as the pads beneath me, etc. I was still gushing a substantial amount. Eventually, after Blaine pulled my sheet back and saw the whole bed soaked, he demanded a doctor(we had been there almost 2 hours, without having even seen a nurse, while I bled out) It turns out, they were not told why I was there, and thought I was there for "stomach pain" Upon walking in and hearing what had happened, the doctor stood dumbfounded. He pulled the sheet over me back to do a V.E, and saw how bad I was hemhorraging. He immediatly ran out of the room, ordered pain medicine, and more IV fluids, and a medicine to help stop my bleeding. He also asked about the baby. The entire time, the paramedics had left her in a specimen bag beside my bed. I was sobbing so hard at this point that I couldn't talk, and was so dizzy the room was spinning, so Blaine filled him in. He apologized profusely. After they finally got my bleeding under control, I was allowed to leave, and we set up an appointment for the next day for an OB/GYN for a d and c. She did the exam, and determined since everything came out intact, that it wasn't nessicary, and prescribed iron since I was anemic after loosing so much blood. I also found out, that not only was I pregnant, and not known it, I had had a second trimester loss at 16 weeks. That is why my little girl was so big, and perfectly formed. I couldn't even stand going back to my apartment, and couldn't walk without intense pain and dizziness, so I stayed with Blaine. He made me fall in love with him all over again the next few weeks. He wouldn't even let me shower without him being in there because i was so dizzy, and a fall risk. He took amazing care of me, and got me back to health. I will never forget that, and even now, remembering how caring he was, brings tears to my eyes. After several weeks, when I was finally able to move around without dizziness, and getting my strength back, I decided I had to go clean my apartment. I had no idea what kind of condition it was left in, but knew it was going to be pretty bad. It was bad enough that my mattress was deemed a "biohazard" and was taken off. The pools of blood were everywhere. I thank God Blaine went with me, because i broke down seeing the blood everywhere. He helped me clean it up, and then took me back to his apartment, and let me lie in bed all day,and held me as I sobbed. The next morning, I decided I couldn't live in my apartment anymore, and would have to move. Even cleaned up, the stains were a constant reminder and it was still to fresh in my mind. I told Blaine this, and he told me to just stay there, and his roomate moved into my apartment, and we sort of switched apartments. That night, he said he wanted to get back together, and I agreed. We continued to grow closer and closer.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Holding it all in.
My problem is that I wait until everything gets unbearable until I finally tell someone what has really been bothering me at the worst possible time. And to them, it comes out of nowhere, even though to me, it has been on my mind for weeks or months.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Freedom.
Freedom? It couldn't have happened on a better day. Today, on July 4th, 2012, INDEPENDENCE Day, I am FREE.
Free from the fighting. Free from the heartbreak. Free from the manipulation and lies. Free from being cheated on. Free from always feeling unworthy. Free from being cursed at, yelled at, and disrespected. Free from it all.
Does it hurt? Of course. Because somewhere in me, I will always love the person I met 7 years ago. And on very rare occasions, I can see a glimpse of that person, and it makes me so sad to realize that person that I met, fell head over heels in love with, and had a child with, is no longer there anymore. At least not enough that I could ever make it work. So what do I feel after our conversation tonight? Free. That's what I feel.
As I said, I will always love him. There will never be a day that goes by that I don't. But I can't do it anymore. This man has broken me in ways that I may never be able to recover from and have a happy, healthy, and normal relationship with anyone else again, but that doesn't mean that I have to keep being in this unhealthy one, either. I am o.k. with being alone. I have my son, who is my world. And that's enough for me for now.
Here's the conversation.
[7/3/2012 11:04:15 PM]Keely Brand: I don't care how angry you are, it's never excuseable to break your son's heart, or to say you want nothing to do with him. I forgave you for it once, but told you I wouldn't be able to forgive that again, and I meant it. You are out of his life Blaine. That is what you wanted, and you got it. Other than seeing you in court one last time, I hope to never see you again. Congratulations. You finally did the one thing to Nathan you swore you would never ever do, because you knew how much it had hurt you. Goodbye.
[7/3/2012 11:05:26 PM] Tim Brand: Court? What court? Court is for people disagreeing.
[7/3/2012 11:05:52 PM] Keely Brand: So you want to give up all right's to Nathan and will not fight me on anything?
[7/3/2012 11:06:27 PM] Tim Brand: I'll get Nathan every other weekend and I don't know of anything to fight you over keely
[7/3/2012 11:06:54 PM] Keely Brand: No, you won't get Nathan every other weekend. You just said you wanted nothing to do with him. You got it. Goodbye.
[7/3/2012 11:07:11 PM] Tim Brand: Ok. Fine. You keep him. Anything else?
[7/3/2012 11:08:24 PM] Tim Brand: well? anything you want to agree on? Gotta get the papers ready tomorrow
[7/3/2012 11:08:58 PM] Keely Brand: Nope. Im done Blaine. You got what you wanted. Free of any and all responsibility to the family you never loved. K?
[7/3/2012 11:09:25 PM] Tim Brand: Never loved? I hope you remember that when I'm dead. Bye bye
[7/3/2012 11:17:27 PM] Keely Brand: If you kill yourself, that is on you Blaine. I can no longer be responsible or feel guilty for what YOU do.
[7/3/2012 11:17:38 PM] Tim Brand: whatever. bye
Free from the fighting. Free from the heartbreak. Free from the manipulation and lies. Free from being cheated on. Free from always feeling unworthy. Free from being cursed at, yelled at, and disrespected. Free from it all.
Does it hurt? Of course. Because somewhere in me, I will always love the person I met 7 years ago. And on very rare occasions, I can see a glimpse of that person, and it makes me so sad to realize that person that I met, fell head over heels in love with, and had a child with, is no longer there anymore. At least not enough that I could ever make it work. So what do I feel after our conversation tonight? Free. That's what I feel.
As I said, I will always love him. There will never be a day that goes by that I don't. But I can't do it anymore. This man has broken me in ways that I may never be able to recover from and have a happy, healthy, and normal relationship with anyone else again, but that doesn't mean that I have to keep being in this unhealthy one, either. I am o.k. with being alone. I have my son, who is my world. And that's enough for me for now.
Here's the conversation.
[7/3/2012 11:04:15 PM]
[7/3/2012 11:05:26 PM] Tim Brand: Court? What court? Court is for people disagreeing.
[7/3/2012 11:05:52 PM] Keely Brand: So you want to give up all right's to Nathan and will not fight me on anything?
[7/3/2012 11:06:27 PM] Tim Brand: I'll get Nathan every other weekend and I don't know of anything to fight you over keely
[7/3/2012 11:06:54 PM] Keely Brand: No, you won't get Nathan every other weekend. You just said you wanted nothing to do with him. You got it. Goodbye.
[7/3/2012 11:07:11 PM] Tim Brand: Ok. Fine. You keep him. Anything else?
[7/3/2012 11:08:24 PM] Tim Brand: well? anything you want to agree on? Gotta get the papers ready tomorrow
[7/3/2012 11:08:58 PM] Keely Brand: Nope. Im done Blaine. You got what you wanted. Free of any and all responsibility to the family you never loved. K?
[7/3/2012 11:09:25 PM] Tim Brand: Never loved? I hope you remember that when I'm dead. Bye bye
[7/3/2012 11:17:27 PM] Keely Brand: If you kill yourself, that is on you Blaine. I can no longer be responsible or feel guilty for what YOU do.
[7/3/2012 11:17:38 PM] Tim Brand: whatever. bye
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Father Figure
Ya know, in all my life, all I ever wanted for my son was for him to have great parents. I don't think that is too much to ask either, since alot of kids do get exactly that. But I wanted Nathan to have BOTH parents be great and love him more than life. I guess I wanted Nathan to have the kind of Dad I had, and for me to be a better Mama to him than my Mom was to me. That's pretty much all.
But I guess sometimes despite good intentions, and despite what people act like, that just doesn't happen, no matter how much you may want it to. I am put between a rock and a hard place in this situation, and have to make a choice. And I have to keep in mind that the choice can't be what I want, it can't be about me being angry, or anything else. It simply has to be about what is best for MY SON.
Decisions to make and I am SO torn.
But I guess sometimes despite good intentions, and despite what people act like, that just doesn't happen, no matter how much you may want it to. I am put between a rock and a hard place in this situation, and have to make a choice. And I have to keep in mind that the choice can't be what I want, it can't be about me being angry, or anything else. It simply has to be about what is best for MY SON.
Decisions to make and I am SO torn.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Just emotionally drained.
I don't know how much more I can take of this emotional drama all the damn time. It's absolutely ridiculous. He has so many different moods that I NEVER know where I stand with him. It's taking so much out of me that I just feel numb anymore. Numb to when he decides he wants more than what he has been giving me, and trys to hug and kiss on me. And numb when he changes his mind and decides to be an ass, or be "mad" about whatever bullshit reason he comes up with it.
I don't feel much of ANYthing anymore but love for my kid. I have an offer on the table from a real man, one who would treat me and my kid AMAZINGLY, and because of my husband, I can't even make myself feel anything towards the other guy who I know if I COULD make myself let go of what I feel for my husband, that would make Nathan and I really really happy. But I can't let go of what I have been keeping inside for so damn long.
And I don't feel anything for ANYone but my child. I think I need a therapist and a psychiatrist. Somehow in these past few years, something in me just SNAPPED after all of the verbal and emotional abuse I have been put through and I think this is stronger than anything I could overcome on my own....
I don't feel much of ANYthing anymore but love for my kid. I have an offer on the table from a real man, one who would treat me and my kid AMAZINGLY, and because of my husband, I can't even make myself feel anything towards the other guy who I know if I COULD make myself let go of what I feel for my husband, that would make Nathan and I really really happy. But I can't let go of what I have been keeping inside for so damn long.
And I don't feel anything for ANYone but my child. I think I need a therapist and a psychiatrist. Somehow in these past few years, something in me just SNAPPED after all of the verbal and emotional abuse I have been put through and I think this is stronger than anything I could overcome on my own....
Can I ever get what we had back?
I realized tonight that I just don't feel the way for him as I did years ago, when we first met.
I guess when you have been hurt and hurt over and over again, you close part of yourself(and your heart) off to that person. I don't know if it's forever, or if someday that person can make you trust them enough to ever open that part of yourself up again, no matter how hard they try....
I guess when you have been hurt and hurt over and over again, you close part of yourself(and your heart) off to that person. I don't know if it's forever, or if someday that person can make you trust them enough to ever open that part of yourself up again, no matter how hard they try....
Monday, June 18, 2012
Conflicted
I feel like being involved with someone with Bipolar Disorder is bound to leave with you with so many ranges of emotions that sometimes you will question if you are also Bipolar, or just experiencing normal emotions that go along with the range of up's and down's they have as a Bipolar person.
I feel like the one word that would describe me the best right now would be conflicted. My emotions are conflicted in how I feel about him. My LIFE is conflicted because of the constant up's and down's my relationship experiences and is always changing.
For me, it is SO hard to differentiate between asking myself if this is all him being Bipolar, or if he's just an emotionally abusive asshole pretty much. If it's the disorder, do I still hold him accountable? And how do I ever REALLY know that it's his disorder, and not just that he's an ass?
I feel like the one word that would describe me the best right now would be conflicted. My emotions are conflicted in how I feel about him. My LIFE is conflicted because of the constant up's and down's my relationship experiences and is always changing.
For me, it is SO hard to differentiate between asking myself if this is all him being Bipolar, or if he's just an emotionally abusive asshole pretty much. If it's the disorder, do I still hold him accountable? And how do I ever REALLY know that it's his disorder, and not just that he's an ass?
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Me? Strong??
A really dear friend of mine posted a comment to me tonight that said I was strong. Honestly, while feeling super loved and super blessed to have such a great friend, the only thought that ran through my mind was, "ME? Strong? Ha!" because when it comes to thing, I feel so incredibly weak sometimes. Strong would be the last word I would have ever thought that I heard someone describe me as. But the more I thought about it, I might not be the strongest person I know, but I do have some inner strength coming from somewhere. If you had asked me where I would be in 5 years when I was 17, the answer certainly wouldn't have been a Mom, especially a SINGLE Mom, to a special needs child. But somewhere along the way, that's just what happened. Life happened I supposed. And I suppose that I do have more stregnth than I ever thought possible for me to have inside myself. I mean, I get up everyday. That alone at this point is an accomplishment. And I also realized that while I have been put down SO much by my exhusband for my shortcomings, he can kiss my ass. Know why? Because I have a broken foot right now. I couldn't afford the $250.00 it would have cost me to have a cast put on it. So I wrapped it in a ace-bandage, and am using old crutches when my son isn't busy playing with the crutches at least. I am STILL taking care of him, by myself with no help, with a broken foot that isn't even in a cast. Uh yeah, ex-husband thanks for that help btw! (GRR. But that will come in a later post.)
Btw, I just want to say that it's complete and utter bullshit that my ex has in the last week bought a $450.00 tablet, plus another $200.00 for a docking station and accessories, and a SNAKE plus other stuff(about $300.00 worth) but yet, he hasn't bought his son any diapers. I had to go without a cast on my broken foot, to supply diapers for his son, and yet, he can afford almost $1000.00 in luxury items. It's BULLSHIT! Yeah, ok, rant over. Back to putting my foot up and praying it stops hurting soon.
Btw, I just want to say that it's complete and utter bullshit that my ex has in the last week bought a $450.00 tablet, plus another $200.00 for a docking station and accessories, and a SNAKE plus other stuff(about $300.00 worth) but yet, he hasn't bought his son any diapers. I had to go without a cast on my broken foot, to supply diapers for his son, and yet, he can afford almost $1000.00 in luxury items. It's BULLSHIT! Yeah, ok, rant over. Back to putting my foot up and praying it stops hurting soon.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Selfish Needs above your child?!?!
I am so disgusted by his selfishness right now that I could scream. His son had an EEG done today. Not only did I have to hold my child down for 2 HOURS while he screamed and cried to the point of gagging, but they cemented the leads on his head down with a superglue substance that has his hair super glued to the electrodes. My son is only 18 months so he doesn't know how to move and keep the "box" that holds the wires and monitor with him, so when he moves, it pulls on his head/scalp and hair until he cries from the pain. EVERYTIME HE MOVES. He also has pulled so hard on it accidentally that he has pulled a chunk of his hair mixed with the glue out and screamed for 30 minutes on that one. He is pitiful and miserable and I wish so bad that I could just say forget it, and take this stuff off. It hurts my heart to see my baby boy in pain.
The kicker? He hasn't even asked how his son is doing. And when I point that out, and that I am pissed that he rambled on for 4 paragraphs about how his art class sucks and how hard it is instead of first asking how his son is, apparently I need to just simmer down because it's no big deal. No?
Well maybe had you been there to see how much it hurt him having his head cemeneted and how it hurt him, he would understand. But because your priority isn't your son, you weren't there. Again. So yeah, I guess to you, the person who only sees him to play for a while and bring him home, and you never go through the difficult mess that real parenting entails, yeah, to you, it's probably "no big deal"
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
The ups and downs of a Bipolar Man.
His behavior has been extremely erratic lately. It goes from ignoring me completely, procaliming his love for me, to pissed off and wanting a divorce. I know that I never should have fell for the "I love you's" and all of that. But there is just something about when that boy cries. It BREAKS MY HEART into tiny tiny pieces. It's like I cannot stand to see him sad, and I will do anything, even sacrafice my own heart that WAS on the mend, to make sure HE isn't sad, even if it makes ME sad in the process. There is something extremely screwed up in ME though for me to keep "saving him" even when it is destructive to me. This past weekend, he did come as he said he would. I was so strong for about 2-3 hours in my resolve to not let him touch me, not really even respond, etc. But then he got to me. I saw tears in his eyes when I refused to hug him when he begged me to. And then I did. And then, of course, the snowball effect happened, and from then on, my resolve was weak. Completely and totally weak. Just like me when that boy has tears in his eyes, or tells me he loves me, even if I don't believe it anymore. But there are times when he IS so incredibly sweet, and loving, and caring and all of these other things. Just enough so that when he does it, I see a glimpse of that sweet man whom I married. Enough that I keep "trying to make it work" for just one more day. Because it gives me hope that that sweet man is still in there somewhere. And that one day, that man will come back to me if I wait for the right meds to kick in, or when we get to therapy, etc. I'm not by any means saying that it is logical to feel that way. But, really, when has love ever been logical or reasonable? SIGH.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
I let go, you pull me back.
Wait, seriously. You won't even take no for an answer. How in the hell should I handle this?!?! And WHY when I finally start letting go, do you ALWAYS have to try to pull me back into your emotional rollercoaster bullshit?
Friday, May 25, 2012
Loving myself means letting him go...
Tonight, he halfway roped me back in with his depression. I can't stand to see him like that. He was so sad, and even cried, and all of these feelings rushed to me. He kept telling me he loves me, but never once did he even say he was sorry for what he did and said.
But I don't really think he loves ME. At least he doesn't love me the way I am. His love is conditional. It is conditional as long as I don't piss him off. And I can't fix that for him. I can't make him see how it hurts me. I can't make him see how every single time he does that, it has just scarred a piece of my heart until the point that I don't FEEL like I used to anymore. I don't cry over him anymore. I can't bring myself to even feel the happy, lovely amazing feelings he used to give me anymore, without thinking that he doesn't really mean what he is saying, because tomorrow, I will be a fat, ugly bitch whom he hates, so him being sweet momentarily doesn't even affect me like it used to anymore.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Saying Goodbye to someone who had me from Hello.
I guess closure is what I am really looking for in all of this. I just don't know how it's just "the end" It seems as if my whole adult life, he has been there. And really, he has. From the time I was 16, I have been with him. I don't know how to be an adult without him, since every piece of my adult life has been spent with him. Anyway, as I told you before, I am doing this project from a website I found, that is supposed to help me learn to let go. I did the first "assignment" if you will, last night. And will do the next today. So....Here's the assignment. It says I need to tell him goodbye. Not actually to him, but to just get it out of me.
Tell your spouse goodbye. In the privacy of your own home or apartment, with the help of your friend (with your spouse nowhere near), tell your spouse what he or she has meant to you. Tell them how much it hurts to let them go. It's okay to get very specific about how the divorce is hurting you. Then tell them you accept that they are leaving and that your marriage is ending. Tell them they are free, and so are you. To make sure this is clear, this is an imagination exercise. I don't really mean for you to tell this to your spouse. Just pretend that you are.
Dear husband,
We have had so many great times and great memories, and I will never forget those. It makes me so sad to think of how amazing things used to be between us, but even years and years ago, you would have these episodes of rage towards me, threats of killing yourself, and cutting yourself when you were angry. I can't say that I will miss this. This has been the most chaotic relationship I have ever had. Every single day looking back seems like one big emotional roller-coaster, and I have no idea how I hung out as long as I did without going crazy myself. I look back on the past several years, and remember the good times and how sweet you were. But then I look at the bad times and want to punch myself in the face for not leaving the first time I saw how it would be. It was a constant emotional drain to be so back and forth. One day, you would promise to love me forever, and declared your love in such a way that I really believed everything you said. And the next, you would scream, and call me names, and tell me how much you hated me and what a horrible person I was. I have never known how to handle that. It hurt me so much. And it caused so much insecurity in our relationship, because how could I believe that you loved me and would never leave me when the day before, I was a bitchwhoreslut who you hated. You hated the person I became, but did you ever stop to think that you fell in love with me BEFORE you destroyed everything good about me? And THEN things changed. You changed me. I admit that. I am probably mentally screwed up from the emotional abuse. But instead of trying to help me, or make me feel better and more secure, you would make the problem worse by preying on my insecurity with us and break up with me, go get engaged to another woman, and tell me you hated me. And then come back and expect me to believe that you love me....Right.
Tell your spouse goodbye. In the privacy of your own home or apartment, with the help of your friend (with your spouse nowhere near), tell your spouse what he or she has meant to you. Tell them how much it hurts to let them go. It's okay to get very specific about how the divorce is hurting you. Then tell them you accept that they are leaving and that your marriage is ending. Tell them they are free, and so are you. To make sure this is clear, this is an imagination exercise. I don't really mean for you to tell this to your spouse. Just pretend that you are.
Dear husband,
We have had so many great times and great memories, and I will never forget those. It makes me so sad to think of how amazing things used to be between us, but even years and years ago, you would have these episodes of rage towards me, threats of killing yourself, and cutting yourself when you were angry. I can't say that I will miss this. This has been the most chaotic relationship I have ever had. Every single day looking back seems like one big emotional roller-coaster, and I have no idea how I hung out as long as I did without going crazy myself. I look back on the past several years, and remember the good times and how sweet you were. But then I look at the bad times and want to punch myself in the face for not leaving the first time I saw how it would be. It was a constant emotional drain to be so back and forth. One day, you would promise to love me forever, and declared your love in such a way that I really believed everything you said. And the next, you would scream, and call me names, and tell me how much you hated me and what a horrible person I was. I have never known how to handle that. It hurt me so much. And it caused so much insecurity in our relationship, because how could I believe that you loved me and would never leave me when the day before, I was a bitchwhoreslut who you hated. You hated the person I became, but did you ever stop to think that you fell in love with me BEFORE you destroyed everything good about me? And THEN things changed. You changed me. I admit that. I am probably mentally screwed up from the emotional abuse. But instead of trying to help me, or make me feel better and more secure, you would make the problem worse by preying on my insecurity with us and break up with me, go get engaged to another woman, and tell me you hated me. And then come back and expect me to believe that you love me....Right.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Will I ever be ok without him?
So I have been reading this website most of the night. It is a website meant for those who's spouses want a divorce, and it talks about all of these things you should do to try to help. At this point, I would give anything to stop feeling how I am feeling, so I figure it is worth giving it a try. And for anyone who wants the link, here it is.
http://www.divorceinfo.com/lettinggo.htm
So, here goes.
The first step is completely opposite of what I want to even think about right now, or what I expected it to be, when I am trying to move on. But as I said, I promised I would go through this entire process, if it will help me to be o.k. without him. It says the first step is to "celebrate my marriage" and go through this list of questions.
http://www.divorceinfo.com/lettinggo.htm
So, here goes.
The first step is completely opposite of what I want to even think about right now, or what I expected it to be, when I am trying to move on. But as I said, I promised I would go through this entire process, if it will help me to be o.k. without him. It says the first step is to "celebrate my marriage" and go through this list of questions.
- What made you fall in love with him/her?
When we first met, I fell in love with him for a lot of reasons. But mainly, it was how sweet he was to me, and how he would write poems for me, and send me sweet, make your heart melt love letters, and open the car door for me, and basically be this sweet, gentlemanly man.
- What are the things about your spouse that you really admire?
I admire how he makes Nathan laugh and giggle. Most of the time, I can't get Nathan to laugh nearly as hard as he can. I admire how he used to be the man that wanted to provide for his family no matter what, and would get up and go to work everyday and never made excuses for not going to work.
- What does your spouse do (or did your spouse do in the past) that made you feel really good?
He used to write these really sweet love letters, and randomly send me sweet texts, and would always send me "Good morning" texts along with wishing me a good day. And he used to write love poems about me, and give them to me. It always never failed to make me feel appreciated, and loved, and lucky to be his wife.
- What do you like (or did you like) about yourself when you were with your spouse?
I liked how I took care of him. How I turned into a nurturing woman when I met him, because he brought out those feelings of how I liked taking care of other people, and using that nurturing to show them how much I care.
- What will you miss the most when you and your spouse are no longer together?
Honestly, I will miss what USED TO BE. Not what it has been these past couple of years. I will miss how it was when we first had Nathan, and how he used to help me, and change diapers, and cook, and do these things to help me on his day off. Now though, he is unemployed and he did more for me when he only had 1 day a week to help instead of 7days. I will miss the sweet, caring, and thoughtful man that used to send me texts and letter so sweet they would make me tear up. I will miss cuddling with someone at night, and someone to have inside jokes with. I will miss having someone there to help me bring in groceries, and someone to go to the grocery store for me when Nathan is sick. I will miss having someone else here period, because in the months that he has left, it has been a really lonely life....
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Who he used to be...
I know anyone reading this has got to be like, ok, so if he is like this, why in the HELL did you stay, and why do you still love him. I can understand that. And I have asked that same question to myself many many times. But here's the answer:
I may not love the man he is now. As a matter of a fact, I very much dislike the man he is today. But the man he USED TO BE, is what kept me hanging on. The man that used to send me sweet things, just because he had a kind heart. The man who sent me roses just because. The man who sent me goodmorning texts. And randomly would tell me I was beautiful, especially when I didn't feel it and needed it the most. The man who laid beside me as I cried ALL night long when we lost our first child, and who even helped me shower, and even brush my hair afterwards when I was so weak from blood loss that I couldn't stand without being dizzy.
I honestly don't know what happened to that man. I LOVED that man with everything in me. How could it be such a drastic change? What went wrong, and what happened to make him be like this? So cold, and mean-spirited when he used to be the sweetest man I knew? It makes me really sad to think of that man, because I haven't seen that man in a really long time in my husband....
Anyway, here's an example of the man he used to be. He sent me this on our wedding day.
Hey. I justed wanted to wish you a good day tomm. I know the last couple of days have been more than pleasant. I'm sorry about all that. We both were just clashing. I still love you though. I want to spend my entire life with you. You make me so happy.
You make me smile. You're gone at work all day and when you walk into the door, my heart skips a beat because of how much I missed you!! I know I can be an asshole, but you're still here. Thank you. We've been through so much in the last few years but we made it. We finally got offically married and have the rest of our lives to make each other happy. Relationships are hard. Everyone knows that, and I'm willing and ready to go through all the hell a marriage has just to be with you.I LOVE YOU, BABYGIRL. 
I'm so happy to have you as my wife! You make me smile. Even when we are in some stupid ass fight, I'm still happy and know I made a WONDERFUL choice in marrying you. Nobody else could EVER make me as happy as you do. Thank you for being here with me and I promise to love you in sickness and in health. For richer or poorer and NEVER do us part. Even in death I will always be yours. I love you Mrs. Brand. :) Have a great day at work and don't let those losers you work with get you down. They are just jealous that you have a man at home that loves you and would die for you.
I may not love the man he is now. As a matter of a fact, I very much dislike the man he is today. But the man he USED TO BE, is what kept me hanging on. The man that used to send me sweet things, just because he had a kind heart. The man who sent me roses just because. The man who sent me goodmorning texts. And randomly would tell me I was beautiful, especially when I didn't feel it and needed it the most. The man who laid beside me as I cried ALL night long when we lost our first child, and who even helped me shower, and even brush my hair afterwards when I was so weak from blood loss that I couldn't stand without being dizzy.
I honestly don't know what happened to that man. I LOVED that man with everything in me. How could it be such a drastic change? What went wrong, and what happened to make him be like this? So cold, and mean-spirited when he used to be the sweetest man I knew? It makes me really sad to think of that man, because I haven't seen that man in a really long time in my husband....
Anyway, here's an example of the man he used to be. He sent me this on our wedding day.
Hey. I justed wanted to wish you a good day tomm. I know the last couple of days have been more than pleasant. I'm sorry about all that. We both were just clashing. I still love you though. I want to spend my entire life with you. You make me so happy.
You make me smile. You're gone at work all day and when you walk into the door, my heart skips a beat because of how much I missed you!! I know I can be an asshole, but you're still here. Thank you. We've been through so much in the last few years but we made it. We finally got offically married and have the rest of our lives to make each other happy. Relationships are hard. Everyone knows that, and I'm willing and ready to go through all the hell a marriage has just to be with you.I LOVE YOU, BABYGIRL. I'm so happy to have you as my wife! You make me smile. Even when we are in some stupid ass fight, I'm still happy and know I made a WONDERFUL choice in marrying you. Nobody else could EVER make me as happy as you do. Thank you for being here with me and I promise to love you in sickness and in health. For richer or poorer and NEVER do us part. Even in death I will always be yours. I love you Mrs. Brand. :) Have a great day at work and don't let those losers you work with get you down. They are just jealous that you have a man at home that loves you and would die for you.
Monday, May 21, 2012
What happened to the man he used to be?
As you can see, I gave him an ultimatum tonight. He had the choice between at least treating me with SOME respect, when he is pissed off, and not cussing me out, and calling me horrible names; or I wanted a divorce. As you can see from the above, he chose to get a divorce rather than treat me like a human being with feelings. He then later went on to tell me not to speak to him, and when I said "Ok" he replied with this lovely message.
THAT is contacting me further! WHEN I SAY LEAVE ME ALONE, IT MEANS JUST THAT! IT MEANS YOU LEGALLY NEED TO SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND LEAVE ME ALONE! 7:09PM
Yeah. That is what I have been married to/in a relationship with for 7 years. Is it no wonder than I felt RELIEF? To get out of this HELL....Because that has been all it has been for a long time. Arguements, hurt feelings, tears, and being screamed at. Why would I be sad to let THAT go?
I am sure that it will sink in at some point and I will be scared, and sad, and a little heartbroken. But those feelings would be the grief over losing the man I first met 7 years ago. Not the man who would ever dream of talking to me the way he does, the man who would never threaten me, the man who treated me with respect, and love. I just want to know what the hell happened to THAT man? I LOVED that man. :(
Sacrifice
Well, he somewhat passed the test and I really started to believe in us. It seems like when I am finally letting go, he decides to pull me back just enough to make me stay.
The 19th was my Birthday though. He came over and I got told that pretty much, he will not be a family again,and live with us again. He seemed to just have given that up because of financial reasons and his refusal to live where Nathan and I live. There always seems to be a new excuse as to why he won't live here again, even though it was "good enough" for him before he decided to walk out on us. I think the problem is not that where I live isn't good enough, it's that he has too much fun living like a bachelor with his Mom. There, he doesn't have to clean, doesn't have to take care of Nathan every day, doesn't have to get a job, or cook, or do ANYTHING other than play on the computer, do whatever he wants, have no responsibility, and sleep all day long until 2 and 3 in the afternoon. I guess to him, that's a pretty great life. For me, I need more in my life, and I want to do more with my life, and I want someone who WANTS to do more with their life and has drive, and ambition, and most of all, FOLLOW THROUGH. That has always been his problem. He will have these grandiose notions of what he is going to do, but never actually does any of it. He is always talking about what he is GOING TO do. He is GOING TO get a job. He is GOING TO give more child support and get Nathan for visitation every weekend. He is GOING TO start this buisness. He is GOING TO do something more than play on the computer and sleep, someday. I feel like "going to" should be his life story. But I don't want "going to" to be my life story. I want, She DID do this, and she DID do that to be MY life story.
But anyway, back to my birthday. He finally woke up and came over around 2pm. I thought things were going great, and they did. For about an hour. But then he was "bored" and kept complaining so I finally just got fed up and decided that it was MY birthday and supposed to be about ME for just ONE DAY. So I decided I was going to take a gift card I got, and go to my favorite restaurant. He said he wasn't hungry, so instead of going to keep me company, he went home. I asked if we could come by and spend the night with him after going, and he said yes. Well, halfway through dinner ALONE, I get a text that he is going to sleep and the door is locked. Wait, WHAT? This is my birthday, you spend most of the day sleeping instead of being with me, and then after you spend an hour with me, you are going BACK to sleep again at 7:30? REALLY? Could you be any more selfish?
Then you decide that you are apparently pissed off at me, but won't tell me why(probably because I didn't do a damn thing, and you are just being your usual asshole self for no reason) That's ok. Because while it used to drive me crazy, these past 2 days that you haven't talked to me have been nothing more than some healing time. I am letting go. And it's not killing me. You didn't realize how close you were to losing me I guess this time. But I am thankful for it. Because the thought of living without you doesn't kill me anymore. I agreed to spend the rest of my life with the man I married, but you are nowhere near that hardworking, decent, kind, sweet man I married, so those vows no longer bind me to who you are now, which is a bitter, lazy, dishonest, asshole who is emotionally abusive. If you ever do find the man I married again, give me a call.
The 19th was my Birthday though. He came over and I got told that pretty much, he will not be a family again,and live with us again. He seemed to just have given that up because of financial reasons and his refusal to live where Nathan and I live. There always seems to be a new excuse as to why he won't live here again, even though it was "good enough" for him before he decided to walk out on us. I think the problem is not that where I live isn't good enough, it's that he has too much fun living like a bachelor with his Mom. There, he doesn't have to clean, doesn't have to take care of Nathan every day, doesn't have to get a job, or cook, or do ANYTHING other than play on the computer, do whatever he wants, have no responsibility, and sleep all day long until 2 and 3 in the afternoon. I guess to him, that's a pretty great life. For me, I need more in my life, and I want to do more with my life, and I want someone who WANTS to do more with their life and has drive, and ambition, and most of all, FOLLOW THROUGH. That has always been his problem. He will have these grandiose notions of what he is going to do, but never actually does any of it. He is always talking about what he is GOING TO do. He is GOING TO get a job. He is GOING TO give more child support and get Nathan for visitation every weekend. He is GOING TO start this buisness. He is GOING TO do something more than play on the computer and sleep, someday. I feel like "going to" should be his life story. But I don't want "going to" to be my life story. I want, She DID do this, and she DID do that to be MY life story.
But anyway, back to my birthday. He finally woke up and came over around 2pm. I thought things were going great, and they did. For about an hour. But then he was "bored" and kept complaining so I finally just got fed up and decided that it was MY birthday and supposed to be about ME for just ONE DAY. So I decided I was going to take a gift card I got, and go to my favorite restaurant. He said he wasn't hungry, so instead of going to keep me company, he went home. I asked if we could come by and spend the night with him after going, and he said yes. Well, halfway through dinner ALONE, I get a text that he is going to sleep and the door is locked. Wait, WHAT? This is my birthday, you spend most of the day sleeping instead of being with me, and then after you spend an hour with me, you are going BACK to sleep again at 7:30? REALLY? Could you be any more selfish?
Then you decide that you are apparently pissed off at me, but won't tell me why(probably because I didn't do a damn thing, and you are just being your usual asshole self for no reason) That's ok. Because while it used to drive me crazy, these past 2 days that you haven't talked to me have been nothing more than some healing time. I am letting go. And it's not killing me. You didn't realize how close you were to losing me I guess this time. But I am thankful for it. Because the thought of living without you doesn't kill me anymore. I agreed to spend the rest of my life with the man I married, but you are nowhere near that hardworking, decent, kind, sweet man I married, so those vows no longer bind me to who you are now, which is a bitter, lazy, dishonest, asshole who is emotionally abusive. If you ever do find the man I married again, give me a call.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
It's a test. Hope you pass for your son's sake.
So, as you all know, sometimes I wonder if that certain someone who is in and out of my life really cares about anyone but himself at all. I have pretty much come to the realization that in the case of me and him, his needs and wants will always win over mine.
But I have begun to wonder if it's just me that he is that selfish with. I have pretty much stopped most communication other than a message or two he sent me, some of which I didn't respond to. But I wanted to. I want to see how much he really cares about his son too. He hasn't Skyped with our son in 2 days, because before, when it came to that, it was always me initiating it. I am also not going to ask him to see Nathan or have his visitation. If he does, great. And if he doesn't, well, that just means that he truely is his Father's (that he hates so much) son.
But I have begun to wonder if it's just me that he is that selfish with. I have pretty much stopped most communication other than a message or two he sent me, some of which I didn't respond to. But I wanted to. I want to see how much he really cares about his son too. He hasn't Skyped with our son in 2 days, because before, when it came to that, it was always me initiating it. I am also not going to ask him to see Nathan or have his visitation. If he does, great. And if he doesn't, well, that just means that he truely is his Father's (that he hates so much) son.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Drifting apart
You know that moment when you realize that you are drifting apart from someone, and even though it hurts, you decide to just let them go? I think that's where I am at. In the past couple of weeks, I have noticed myself drifting apart from him. It doesn't kill me like it used to if we don't talk. When he Skype's, I will still answer, but won't do much to prolong the conversation like I used to either.We have been here before, and he has always noticed when this change in "us" happens, and ropes me back in, whether subconsciously or not, but he always has. But this time, instead of fighting to keep us connected, I am just letting it happen, and hoping that by doing it this way, my heart will be able to just slowly let go. And honestly, thus far, it kind of seems to be working(knock on wood) I don't find myself tempted to call him and strike up conversation, or tempted to urge him to see Nathan, so that he will see me, and reconnect with me either. I have just almost given up.
Also, I think I kind of had a breakthrough today. I think I have realized that unless something drastic happens(and you never know with a Bipolar person) But unless something drastic happens, I think I have finally realized that I just don't think he is even capable of loving me like I need and want to be loved. I don't think he will ever care for me, and think of me like I do him either. I have never missed an oppritunity to show him how much I care, or do something sweet and thoughtful for him, just to be nice. But for once, I want to be selfish, and FOR ONCE in our 7 year relationship, I want him to do for me, what I have been doing for him for the past 7 years. Show me he gives a damn at all I guess. And I just don't think he will. I have given up on him being the man I desperatly want and need him to be. So at some point, I've got to decide if I just want to live with less than what I feel I deserve and stay with him, or move on and take a chance at finding someone who will.
It's a really hard and scary choice. I used to judge those who stayed in sub-par relationships just because it was "comfortable" or "ok most of the time" but here I am, many years later, and generally incontent most of the time, but yet I have continued to stay with him. Life has a funny way of making you feel like a dumbass for the things you used to be so judgemental about.
Also, I think I kind of had a breakthrough today. I think I have realized that unless something drastic happens(and you never know with a Bipolar person) But unless something drastic happens, I think I have finally realized that I just don't think he is even capable of loving me like I need and want to be loved. I don't think he will ever care for me, and think of me like I do him either. I have never missed an oppritunity to show him how much I care, or do something sweet and thoughtful for him, just to be nice. But for once, I want to be selfish, and FOR ONCE in our 7 year relationship, I want him to do for me, what I have been doing for him for the past 7 years. Show me he gives a damn at all I guess. And I just don't think he will. I have given up on him being the man I desperatly want and need him to be. So at some point, I've got to decide if I just want to live with less than what I feel I deserve and stay with him, or move on and take a chance at finding someone who will.
It's a really hard and scary choice. I used to judge those who stayed in sub-par relationships just because it was "comfortable" or "ok most of the time" but here I am, many years later, and generally incontent most of the time, but yet I have continued to stay with him. Life has a funny way of making you feel like a dumbass for the things you used to be so judgemental about.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Numb
So, ok, I know this blog has got to be one of the most screwed up, crazy sounding things since I don't update as I should, so I am going to TRY to update:
He wiggled out of being caught with the girl. He said they "side hugged" only, and that picture was just when they did it. He didnt think to tell me about her apparently either, but is "So sorry" and sent me a sweet email that made me bawl, and stupidly forgive him. I still don't trust him though. That right there should be enough to make me walk away and be able to let go. What the HELL kind of hold does he have on me? I DO NOT get it. My mind says, "You are a dumbass for staying, leave NOW" but for some reason my heart takes him back time after time after time. Hoping I am not the only woman who struggles with this. And seriously, him having Bipolar disorder makes is SO damn easy for him to blame his stuff on the disorder and I truely don't know if it's just he's an ass who can't control his temper and has a tendancy to be downright cruel, or if it truly is the Bipolar. And I feel like if he is sick, I shouldn't hold it against him. I don't know. Everything is so confusing and just CRAZY right now. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind, I swear. It seems like our entire relationship has ALWAYS been some crazy, screwed up, rollercoaster cycle of intensly happy and in love, to him walking out on me. Like seriously, it's SUCH a cycle. And just sayin, this cycle we have going, is REALLY bad for my mental health.
Anyway, enough of that. For those of you reading this who are also in an unhappy relationship(because, really, why would anyone in a happy marriage be reading this, ya know?) Anyway, for those of you in the same situation so to speak, or just generally in a not so great relationship, so you ever like fantasize about what it would be like to be with someone who DOES treat you how you dream of being treated, or who DOES do all those things that you wish your S.O(significant other) would do for you?
I constantly fantasize about what it would be like, how my life would be so very different, how my LIFE would be completely different, and what qualities that person would have, and how I would chose someone, if I could just manage to let go of the one that has my heart, but also breaks it on a regular basis.
I just want someone who would love me like I love him, and how I wish he loved me, ya know?
Someone who would do these romantic things, and make my heart actually feel ok again.
Someone who would call me special names, and be there for me when I need them most.
Someone who actually asks, and listens to the awnser of how my day was.
Someone who would never make me feel as worthless as he has, and never make me question their love, their commitment, and never violate my trust.
At least not repeatedly would be a start I suppose....
I KNOW that everybody makes mistakes, and God knows, I have made mine. But sometimes I just feel numb anymore. I can't even tell you the last time he has made me cry. And THAT, more than anything, tells me that if it doesn't change, it's just over. When someone can't even hurt you anymore, then you know it's gotten really bad. I would rather feel hate him sometimes, but love him also, than to feel nothing at all. And I feel like I am getting to that point.
He wiggled out of being caught with the girl. He said they "side hugged" only, and that picture was just when they did it. He didnt think to tell me about her apparently either, but is "So sorry" and sent me a sweet email that made me bawl, and stupidly forgive him. I still don't trust him though. That right there should be enough to make me walk away and be able to let go. What the HELL kind of hold does he have on me? I DO NOT get it. My mind says, "You are a dumbass for staying, leave NOW" but for some reason my heart takes him back time after time after time. Hoping I am not the only woman who struggles with this. And seriously, him having Bipolar disorder makes is SO damn easy for him to blame his stuff on the disorder and I truely don't know if it's just he's an ass who can't control his temper and has a tendancy to be downright cruel, or if it truly is the Bipolar. And I feel like if he is sick, I shouldn't hold it against him. I don't know. Everything is so confusing and just CRAZY right now. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind, I swear. It seems like our entire relationship has ALWAYS been some crazy, screwed up, rollercoaster cycle of intensly happy and in love, to him walking out on me. Like seriously, it's SUCH a cycle. And just sayin, this cycle we have going, is REALLY bad for my mental health.
Anyway, enough of that. For those of you reading this who are also in an unhappy relationship(because, really, why would anyone in a happy marriage be reading this, ya know?) Anyway, for those of you in the same situation so to speak, or just generally in a not so great relationship, so you ever like fantasize about what it would be like to be with someone who DOES treat you how you dream of being treated, or who DOES do all those things that you wish your S.O(significant other) would do for you?
I constantly fantasize about what it would be like, how my life would be so very different, how my LIFE would be completely different, and what qualities that person would have, and how I would chose someone, if I could just manage to let go of the one that has my heart, but also breaks it on a regular basis.
I just want someone who would love me like I love him, and how I wish he loved me, ya know?
Someone who would do these romantic things, and make my heart actually feel ok again.
Someone who would call me special names, and be there for me when I need them most.
Someone who actually asks, and listens to the awnser of how my day was.
Someone who would never make me feel as worthless as he has, and never make me question their love, their commitment, and never violate my trust.
At least not repeatedly would be a start I suppose....
I KNOW that everybody makes mistakes, and God knows, I have made mine. But sometimes I just feel numb anymore. I can't even tell you the last time he has made me cry. And THAT, more than anything, tells me that if it doesn't change, it's just over. When someone can't even hurt you anymore, then you know it's gotten really bad. I would rather feel hate him sometimes, but love him also, than to feel nothing at all. And I feel like I am getting to that point.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Lies, lies, more lies, and finally, a confession and apology....
Well, we have been following his "plan" for how to continue to work on us, but still divorce yada yada. He now claims the next day following what happened, he was going to fire his attorney. Honestly, after being lied to SO MANY TIMES, I dont even know if I believe even that at this point. So basically, here is what happened. I go to his house, and spend the night with him. We make love, but afterwards, he falls right to sleep, while I cannot sleep no matter how hard I try. I get up, surf the web, and check my email. I find emails from Nathan's Early Intervention Therapist asking if his eye had strayed since he was born, or if it developed over time. I honestly don't know, and can't remember. I know Blaine has newborn/just after birth pictures of Nathan on his phone, so I pick up to look, so I can email her back. Upon opening his pictures, the FIRST one I see, is a picture of him hugging another woman that I have never seen before. There were about 4 or 5 more, just pictures of her. I sat there in absolute shock for probably close to a half hour. I couldn't believe my eyes.....That is the one thing I NEVER would have imagined I would have to worry about, or even suspect. I had absolutly no idea that I should even be concerned about something like this....More later. I think I'm gonna go cry now and need time to calm myself.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Well, then end of "us" finally came...kind of.
We have finally decided to divorce. Well, I guess I need to rephrase. HE decided we needed to divorce, while I am still hanging on because I love him, and wanting to work things out...I do agree our relationship/marriage needed a drastic change, but in all honesty, I would have preferred to REALLY try counseling. We have gone ONCE before in 6 years, and neither one of us went into the session with the right attitude. But I guess there isn't much use even talking about it anymore, since he has apparently made up his mind. I miss him daily, but at the same time, things have been so much less chaotic, and I feel better, even though I miss him, and would love to try to work it out. Things had gotten really bad, worse than I even realized, and BOTH of us were miserable. I would never want to go back to that though. He has this plan to be "friends" and completely start over. And even though it hurts like hell, because I do love him, I guess at this point I am willing to try anything. But the first step is going to take me getting over and letting go of the hurt I feel over HOW he left, which is coming up in a different blog. For now, I am emotionally exahusted and gonna go curl up, have a shower and a mixed drink, and try to put the pieces of my heart back together. Night all.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Too little, too late.
I love him with everything in me. I really do. I care about him so much. I hurt when he hurts. I want to fix his problems, and if someone hurts his feelings, I am fighting mad. I want and like to nurture him, and take care of his like a good wife should. But at the same time, I sometimes feel like my heart just isn't in it anymore. There are times when I just want to throw my hands up, and walk away, and the only thing that stops me is knowing that when he DOES give Nathan attention, he is good with him, and makes Nathan so happy, even if he doesn't do the actual work, taking care of him as much as I would like. And also, his mental problems and threats of suicide when I have tried to leave in the past haunt me daily. I know that I would NEVER forgive myself if he actually did "make me a widow" as he has threatened so many times before. And it's kinda of like the boy who cried wolf, I don't think that I even believe him anymore, or he has said it so many times that I am desensitized to it, and he knows it. And when I finally do get the thought through my head that I can't help what HE DOES TO HIMSELF, he will cut himself, or be so suicidal that he gets put into the hospital, and then I do feel like the biggest piece of shit wife in the world. And I think he knows and realizes that, and uses it as a way to control me. Its like he senses when I am to that point where what he did was so bad, so cruel, and unforgivable that I just don't give a fuck anymore, and then when he sees I am at that point, he will cut himself or whatever and he KNOWS that that will bring me back to him, because of the guilt and blame I place on myself. I don't even know that we are in love anymore. I don't even think he is in love with me, anymore than I am in love with him. But we have been together so long, and WANT to make it work, that we keep pushing ourselves together, even when it's obvious that it is just not healthy for us to be together anymore. :(
But I can see the progress slowly being made on my part. He has succeeded in hurting me so much, that not even his usual tactics of "baby, I'm sorry" and trying to seduce me, and kiss me, and make things better works anymore. All I can think of is every nasty word he has called me(and there are so many to choose from) or all the times he has threatened me, threatened to make my life a living hell, or slash my tires, and not pay child support, or take Nathan from me, and all the other SHIT he has done to me in the past 6 years. It's just not something that a relationship could ever be the same after. You can say you are sorry all you want, but sometimes, sorry just isn't enough to fix all the damage you caused from your downright cruel words and actions.
But I can see the progress slowly being made on my part. He has succeeded in hurting me so much, that not even his usual tactics of "baby, I'm sorry" and trying to seduce me, and kiss me, and make things better works anymore. All I can think of is every nasty word he has called me(and there are so many to choose from) or all the times he has threatened me, threatened to make my life a living hell, or slash my tires, and not pay child support, or take Nathan from me, and all the other SHIT he has done to me in the past 6 years. It's just not something that a relationship could ever be the same after. You can say you are sorry all you want, but sometimes, sorry just isn't enough to fix all the damage you caused from your downright cruel words and actions.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
I'm no quitter but I'm tired of fighting♥
Well, as of Sunday, which was now 3 days ago, he left. And hasn't been back since other than to come here long enough to make me think we could work it out, try to kiss me, leave, and then text how he's glad our marriage is over an hour after leaving.
I really don't know what to think right now. Every time this happens, it causes problems with me, and my family, and Nathan obviously too, but also between my relationship with his Mother, who is Nathan's Nana. I am just so sick of it. God knows I love him, but how can ANYONE live this way? It has become simply a cycle. A pain, heartbreaking cycle. I love him, and would LOVE to make it work. But how many times does he have to tell me he wants a divorce before I finally believe him, and go through with it, instead of being a door-mat?
I really don't know what to think right now. Every time this happens, it causes problems with me, and my family, and Nathan obviously too, but also between my relationship with his Mother, who is Nathan's Nana. I am just so sick of it. God knows I love him, but how can ANYONE live this way? It has become simply a cycle. A pain, heartbreaking cycle. I love him, and would LOVE to make it work. But how many times does he have to tell me he wants a divorce before I finally believe him, and go through with it, instead of being a door-mat?
Thursday, January 19, 2012
6 months later...Not a lot has changed. :(
It's been about 6 months since I wrote on this blog. But unforunantly, we are still pretty much where we were then. I am angry, frustrated and hurt most of the time. And so is he. I don't know how to end this cycle that we are in. Tonight, all I wanted was a simple "thank you" Any little acknowledgement that he appreiciates just what I do.
I guess to him, being a stay at home parent is easy. I don't know why he would ever believe that, but it's apparant that he does. He said tonight that I was stupid for asking him to say thank you after washing his work stuff(coffee cups, etc) This morning, I washed his cup, and turned the coffee on, etc. after being up all night, and I just explained that instead of "uh huh" when I told him that, a "thank you" would have been nice instead. I said it nicely, but he still got pissed off. I don't understand why I can't tell him my feelings, frustrations, or anything without it pissing him off. But instead of just saying "Oh, I didn't realize I didn't say it. My bad" he got pissed off and stated "Well, you don't thank me." I was so confused so I asked what he meant by this...His response? "Well you don't say thank you for working, and paying the bills" First of all, thats not even what this conversation is about. Second of all, bullshit. Yes I do. Quite often, actually. And third of all, what the hell do you think I do all day? You think you are the only one who deserves a thank you?(that you get on a regular basis anyway) Well, same goes stupid! Ya know, I'd like to hear the same. "Thanks baby, for taking care of our child, running our errands, grocery shopping by yourself with the kid, cooking me dinner that I NEVER APPRECIATE, and washing my dishes" Oh yeah, and going to school full-time while doing all this and only having a babysitter for ONE of FOUR of those classes...... The only thing you are asked to do is put up the dishes I wash, and you don't even do that half the time!!! I don't mind saying thank you, and being "appreciative" of you providing for your family, but at the same time, Why would I when it's clear you don't appreciate any damn thing I do? Or even have enough respect for me to fucking listen when I tell you my feelings??
I guess to him, being a stay at home parent is easy. I don't know why he would ever believe that, but it's apparant that he does. He said tonight that I was stupid for asking him to say thank you after washing his work stuff(coffee cups, etc) This morning, I washed his cup, and turned the coffee on, etc. after being up all night, and I just explained that instead of "uh huh" when I told him that, a "thank you" would have been nice instead. I said it nicely, but he still got pissed off. I don't understand why I can't tell him my feelings, frustrations, or anything without it pissing him off. But instead of just saying "Oh, I didn't realize I didn't say it. My bad" he got pissed off and stated "Well, you don't thank me." I was so confused so I asked what he meant by this...His response? "Well you don't say thank you for working, and paying the bills" First of all, thats not even what this conversation is about. Second of all, bullshit. Yes I do. Quite often, actually. And third of all, what the hell do you think I do all day? You think you are the only one who deserves a thank you?(that you get on a regular basis anyway) Well, same goes stupid! Ya know, I'd like to hear the same. "Thanks baby, for taking care of our child, running our errands, grocery shopping by yourself with the kid, cooking me dinner that I NEVER APPRECIATE, and washing my dishes" Oh yeah, and going to school full-time while doing all this and only having a babysitter for ONE of FOUR of those classes...... The only thing you are asked to do is put up the dishes I wash, and you don't even do that half the time!!! I don't mind saying thank you, and being "appreciative" of you providing for your family, but at the same time, Why would I when it's clear you don't appreciate any damn thing I do? Or even have enough respect for me to fucking listen when I tell you my feelings??
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